Friday, December 31, 2010

ooh la

oh yeah, duit dah masuk. oh yeah, im gonna shop till drop

eh tak

im gonna spend the money wisely. you can count on me. tee heee

and oh, before i forget, ive been meaning to talk of obsession, but, as im really in rush, touch few on that ok kot. ok, i am sick of everyone's current obsession, "Khairul Fahmi". yeah, he is a great footballer, and has this great huge sexy shoulders and so?  i don't loathe him, i am cool with him. but im sick of his insecure gf, his fan who talk about him all day long in fb. pejadah. kalau ye bernafsu pon, tak boleh masturbate diam-diam?

keji.

ok. its, shopping time! tullllluuuuuuu~~

Thursday, December 30, 2010

on the other side of misery

right at this moment, i am not suppose to be here, because i supposedly should be in class, Linguistic 2 (Syntax and Semantic). hee, well, its obvious enough, that i am not going to class, which i regret the most, because i overslept, and the fact that i thought the class starts at 10, was merely a myth and eventually the lust for sleep has gone and so here i am, blogging and ranting.

i'll be doing William Shakespeare, finally, for this semester. i am so excited to meet this 500 year old man and i know, its going to be tough, man. the assignment task has been given to us, in which we have to create a blog that rants about this man. the other task is to stage a scene from his play, which i am into of doing it, but for the sake of group members, i digress the thought. so, the blog, has not been set set up yet, still thinking of some cool names to be made as title and once i manage to do that, i'll share the link.

the whole thing bout my minor course, that i ranted about in the previous post, has already settled. hoorah! apparently, we still cannot take the subject that we were supposed to be doing (script writing, which i really want to take), however me and friends are opted to take one the major paper of communication school (promotion writing) to convert it as our minor, and the lecturer has agreed to accept us as her students. ho-yeah! Thank Lord.

as 2010 almost comes to the end, this is the moment that some women goes wild by just seeing the big red, bold sign of SALE. i really hope that the pt will be banked in today, because i am really in need of new-undecided-things, that are way cheaper at this season. don't worry, i'll be at my best behaviour to buy only the necessities and i'll do whatever it takes to restrain the lust of promotion items. the past has taught me so much, that shopaholic is not cool.
okay then. an entry without any harsh word, which doesn't sound like me. like it?

good day, everyone :)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

drowsily wander in the wake field

i suppose to have a long good sleep after almost 24 hours of stay awake yesterday. i should be on the bed tug in the blanket, as my room is cold enough to make my friend sleeps soundly and not yet awake.

i should be aren't i?

when i slept after subuh prayer, i should not be off from bed at 9, because i should still be wandering in the slumber land, throwing the baggage i have on this shoulder. i should be hopping vigorously at the wheat field that is so beautifully painted or indulging myself with imaginary drooling foods. i should not online and blog and whine, blog, rant and whine.

these have to be put an end, tell ya, not good for your gallant soul.

maybe because i am so 'runsing' until i lost the appetite to  drowsily sleeping. 'runsing' with the minor subject that should not be clashed with the core paper. and i am in the final semester, what? need me to extend just to take that fucking paper. eat my faeces, ass hole!!


another reason could be, bcus i am used to wake up early back at home. 

alas, i should be optimistic. every problem has solution aite. look like i have to arm my gut with the most convincing persuasive speech to compose to you, deary lecturer.

let me entertain

end of my holiday, back in Penang after 15 hours travel of many pit stops. am now at my desk, lit by the study lamp while listening to a friend's snore, trying to find proper words to cuss and to whine about the shortest break ever. obviously, there are helluva lot of things to rant about, and i have to narrow the all shitty days to find the shittiest day to be enunciated it proudly in this blog a.k.a the rage bin, cuss storage, the nothingness land. or perhaps, i could just hastily throw out everything, scatter the fury little bit her, another bit there. better, that way eh. 

welcome, welcome and let me schmooze you with my dark tale.

which i won't tell anyone actually, not even spill it out in this blog unless it is inevitable and irrevocably spilled when i am off guards or drunks by madness. for many reasons i try to keep it as my biggest secret, apparently this has became the root of my greatest fear and that, of course, is a whole lot misery life i have.

no, i am not being molested, sexually abused or to some extent paranoid of men. no, no, not belong to such miseries. mine, is less tragic but sadist enough to make people treat me well, or the opposite of polite.

if there is a heavenly refuge that is specialized to some psychotic with bad family history, i am gonna register myself in, forever. i am tired of drama but i am left with no other option that is to keep it, though it hard to swallow.

life is fucking unfair.

entri najis

rasa nak mencarut

babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi bbabi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi abi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi bababi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi bi babi babi babi babi babi bababi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi
 confirm kena blacklist...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

flu to everyone, eh.

i am not feeling well. had sore throat and a runny nose. because i am not feeling well, i acted like a jerk, real jerk that i secretly believe that people see me as an arrogant loathsome bastard. i don't want to talk to anyone. i just want to talk to the micro me who controls the macro 'moon' and the mini moon sits in the frontal lobe with an excessive large monitor plugged by my two eyes to control my behaviour, my action, my devilish manner and so i am thinking, which one is the devil, the mini or the giant?

rationally speaking, this is not me who did the writing, the thinking or the talking. this is not me because i know myself more than anyone else and so this is the Moody Mad Eye, in version of moon, handsomer and prettier than the HP version. after lots of thinking, i came out with two theories of how i've becoming the mad moon, 1st) i am not feeling well, and 2nd) i am about to reach the brutal period of PMS. so what i did, is brutally discarded all the conversation with friends. with a straight line on my face, i offer no mercy.

and that is so selfish! i know.

i just arrived from Langkawi, last night. had a program for three days there. the program was great, beneficial to the future sake of every final year student. we had a session of mock interview, and i just want to say that i did great. i am confident, i am extraordinarily charming, energetic, and i am too awesome to be described. SUPERBLY AWESOME. suffice to say, i am positive that i will be successful one day. even though, at this exact moment, there are a lot more to work on myself, to improve the academic, upgrade the awesomeness, and annihilate the angst little by little, but i believe that soon i will reach the glory of awesomeness.

as souvenirs from Langkawi to family in Seremban, i bought chocolates, and i brought maladies too. miahahaha.

hah-chiewwww!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

all the bad wishes

that fucking idiot, bastard thief got nothing else to do haa?
got nothing else to steal, eh?
why must my precious jeans and cardi?
why must that damp clothes?
can't wait until it dry ah?
and now tell me, what am i gonna wear?
what am i suppose to WEAR?
you have no idea how d missing cardi can ruin the whole wardrobe
you certainly have no idea how that jeans works wonder to my meaty thigh
and now what i should wear?????

you're dumb ass
son of a bitchhhhhhhhhhhhh
may you rotten in hell
may you be destroyed by germs from that clothes
may you be infected by syphilis
may you lose all your teeth
may you be uglier fattier poorer
may you starve to death

may you be punished by The Mighty, its all i can hope for. knowing there is nothing i can do, haih. honestly, i don't care about how much it costs, those clothes are not that pricey. what makes me rage, furious, mad about this dumb-ass thief is that she stole lots from others too, at the same time, the same morning, in the same building, idiot asshole, and she stole mine while it not yet dried, still wet and damp. with limited piece of clothes, i don't know what to wear for this coming trip. what i have now, are red cardi and a pair of hideous gray jeans which i'll be wearing for a week.

bear the smell.
 haih, be patient munirah.  tough luck.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

told you so, jangan tidur lepas Asar

i hate waking up from an evening nap, feeling utterly pathetic and hungry. although there is a roommate, perfectly sleeping next to my bed, i still cannot conceal the feeling of being lonely and so fucked up. i woke up with troubled head, wanting to be away from this room, imagining i could just be spontaneous and get my trainees and hit the stadium to run. but i did not do that. i restricted myself from doing it because i don't want people to see me and judge me and say, 'now that is one lonely girl', and so i make excuses, procrastinate and end up whine about my not-so-awesome life. 

and when you are boring, alone and single, all the vile thoughts annihilate the serenity of being single and independent.  making you just like the commoners, the weakling female who fantasizes of finding The Man. i just told a man about how boring he was, he responded not to be in touch with me anymore, and funnily he has no guts to defend himself. or maybe he was deadly boring to entertain my childish talk. hmm, am i?

because i am bored and boring, i went through all the contacts in the mobile, with hope to find the suitable victims to hear me ramble about how awesomeness can be dreadfully boring. how i hate to realize that i have only the closest friends and colleagues' numbers, which means, very few male friends that i have, which also means it is a long time i don't have that cheeky girlish giggle, and fling with creature called man. there must be some serious damages with me.

i must be watching too much of Hollywood movies and series, apparently the yellow culture seems to give impacts that i am now thinking how blissful to be drunk and unconscious. i dont know how the taste of beer and whiskey because i consciously aware that it is 'haram'  but i certainly want the feeling of being forgetful, reckless, drunk, nonsensical, talking rubbish, acting cheap and being completely out of my head just for a night. have u had any of those crazy, wild dreams? is it a wild dream? eh?

obviously, i cannot stick to a topic. purposely wanted to write about the taboo L word, how this word makes me swoon, envy and naive in a sense, and how this word can be so repulsive, mean, brute, yet sweet. as you see, the points scattered all over, jumping hither tither, and end up merely rubbish. oh, maybe some other time about this L word.

after all, woman is just a woman.

Monday, November 22, 2010

false pretense

baby, your skirts seem to be shorter and shorter and it will be easier for me to slip my hand under your skirt  
my mental note, to a woman, if i am a man of many vile thoughts.

it is not a strange thing to witness a girl who was religiously stick to her headscarf,

then started to remove it layer by layer
began with a single piece of cloth that covers the head
and latter chose the fit tight of t shirt over her baju kurung
get even worst when she opted to reveal the hairless calves
which led to the even shorter skirt that shows her juicy tights
 
sexy, irresistible, yummy. nom nom.

not yet included the hair treatment in salon
or the brown liquid dye on her hair
or the bizarre colors of her corneas
or the monthly plucking of eyebrows

not that i jealous, but i am sad
to see you are degrading.

..............................................................................................................................


what i hate about facebook how it can make one life is easily accessible and how it tempts me to be judgmental. i just went through of a relative profile, which i had known for life turning into someone i know not. sadly, she chose a glamorous life over the religious stance that was once instilled by her faithful respectable father.

i may be skeptical, she is probably as kind as she used to be, she's probably still benign and humble. i hope so.

when i was in secondary school, my broad-schooling days, i was repeatedly told by an ustaz, friends and teachers, that a girl who is not close to her father is risked of being wild and condemned. in a way of saying it, those who have little attention or having no attention of her father will opt to find the love of other men outside. harshly saying it,  she is sluttier than those who have enough love of a father.

i oppose this idea because i proved them wrong. (the awesome me)

so back with the thing with my relative, that i know for years and now rarely make contact because mom had informally dragged us out from that family, her father is the most respectful man i know. i thought of him as a perfect father figure, but i dont know what is wrong, most of his daughter end up throwing away the head scarf right after they entered the university.

a lil culture shock that leads to a heart attack of every parent. i don't understand how this could happen, and how they can do this to their parents, lying, pretending, cheating at their back and now firmly stating the hatred towards the hypocrites, which is a funny way to describe herself.

and saying that beauty and brains go together? kidding me or what? you are not that pretty and you are not that brainy because if you have brain you wont be doing such things to your parents.

i shall end this, or else it will get mushy and fury. hah!

but really, throw over your scarf for male attention? a definite attention whore. totally.

promoting Penang

last Saturday,  i went to Nasom food fair, and not only to ogling the food and men but to lend hands, helping them. well, it happened because my group mates and i did a research at Nasom centre (the autism association) about the autistic children in their language acquisition. we didnt get an A for it (as i expected), but the experience with the special kids is greater than A. and so in return of their cordial treatment, gladly, we agreed to volunteer and went to the Youth Park at Georgetown from 8 a.m. till 5 p.m. 

the food fair was in conjunction of children's day too, and the fact that Nasom managed to collaborate with the Penang Chef Association made it even more interesting. and so there were kids, parents, kids, parents everywhere. disappointed, there was no sight of hot single man. i was designated to handle 'the most happening' booth, that is a 'pony feeding' booth and so what i did for the entire stay was selling the carrot to the kids so they can feed the pony.
i had a great time there, and of course, there are reasons for that. 

first, it was held in Youth Park and that was actually my first time of stepping onto the greatest part of Penang. i used to loathe Penang, and i hate the fact that Penang provides lesser varieties of Malay food and i still think mamak food is non-edible for daily meals. however, i always love the colonial building in Georgetown, the sea breeze and the greenery part of Penang. 

okay, back to the Youth Park, it is so awesome and i think its a great place to settle in, (if only i am destined to marry a millionaire). it is like a huge recreational park, with green wide field, with bed of tropical flowers planted along the walk way, lots of outdoor gym equipment, kids playground, a small water park for kids, scenic views for the joggers, and i just love it.  the moment you enter the park, you'll see everyone is exercising. jogging, walking, playing, doing tai-chi, biking and i saw none youngsters who think it best to fuck at park, unlike in the other part of Msia where Kebun Bunga or Lake Garden will be notified as places best to date.

secondly because its a charity programme and God knows how i love to contribute something. to be frankly i am not a person who has been exposed with such of these programs. although, i'd love to join, the atmosphere, the people around me, repelled the thought of joining one. not trying to be skeptic, but through the observation that i managed to have after 10 hours of passing the carrots, there were very few malays that attended this event. ok, perhaps it was held in Georgetown, and Georgetown is a Chinese majority district, so perhaps they might not know about this. bullshit. the malays would go to a charity event, if only the press able to capture the shoot of they are holding a check replica, well that is specifically refer to the politicians.

and the third reason, its the best time to improve my spoken English. i was born, raised, schooled and living in an area of only Malays, and so this golden chance i took as an opportunity of improving my communication skill. although i've been learning seriously in english for 3 years, i still have the usual butterflies flying in the tummy whenever i have to make conversation in English. therefore, with the people coming from different background, i took the chance to utilize the language i've learnt. i might sound silly, at least they wont remember my face.

fourthly, it was a place for children, running, kicking, playing, crying, poking and having fun. because i was in charge of the 'pony feeding', i was lucky to witness multiple of funny, laughable kids' actions that can make anyone in awe. i don't usually say this openly, but i kind of like children. and the fact that i am a part time babysitter, i can't resist myself from making a distorted ugly funny face to them. maybe it's because of my callous language, or my clumsy attitude, people find its hard to believe that i able to have this utmost womanly trait. HA HA HA. i am awesome.

okay, so it was a day that only children you'll be seeing and not some hot man with sexy abs. but, there were few hot dads with kids, not less than 5, or maybe 3.

this is not actually my first time of doing charity works, i did participate in beach cleaning day, which was awesome too  because we were covered in newspaper. despite of the bad images that the gomen smeared about Penang, needless to say, Penang is awesome. i salute the Penangites' effort towards living green and staying healthy.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Losing Touch

i just made an honest confession to a very boring person about how boring he was.
i might be losing touch of him.

i just made my friends spilled out their problems and they made me feel needed. tsk.
i hope i won't be losing touch of them. thank you.

i just forgot the phoniness of my fellow relatives, somehow i just realized that
i will never lose in touch with them.

i just shunned off the door from the China-land neighbour who has stinky habits and buttock, hence
i refuse to get in touch of her

i just remembered a disney character named Cruella Devilla
i start to think her best to be my alter ego
she is the skanky skinny witch who intends to slay the 101 Dalmatians' skin.
and i am the fabulous never-be-skinny who slays others' hearts
*laughing so hard until the voice echooooooed*.

i just had to mention my other  alter ego
introducing, Betty Suarez the ugly duckling yet pretty optimistic one.
*smiling to ears, showing off my fenced teeth*
my bang is perfectly blunt and it hang just above my eyebrows.

heh, i just bored you with absurdities of being alone in the room.
quick quick close the tab
sadly, i am not the one you're looking for.

wait, i am just talking rubbish, ain't i?
ok lah, final line. just to conclude,

i just realized my family had not called me for Eid's wish. demmit!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

just another rambling post

i'll be having a first Aidil Adha away from family. away from calorie, fatty but delicious rendang because i can only afford few decent meals cooked by the illegal multi-cooker and rice cooker that we secretly sneaked inside our hostel. its a kind of.... my first hari raya in over sea, (penang = over the sea). Hah!

how do i feel?

apparently, i feel no sorrow. although mind and heart reminisce the good days and food that i'll be having at home, but my soul reluctants to get back to Seremban, knowing that things don't change much, realizing that i'll be confronting the same issue. hence, i choose to be alone and bitter, fidgeting about my vague future, wondering if i able to bring luck to the family.

two weeks of freedom in Penang after the exam. 

alas, it is not entirely a freedom where i can roam freely at the road of Chowrasta like a tourist fond of the colonial building in Georgetown, or like the food hunter, preying the famous char kuay teow or Line Clear nasi kandar,  not even able to hopping cheerfully in the mall, ogling the latest shoes and bags, indulging my tummy with the sugary cakes or donuts, or wasting an entire day for a movie-marathon. 

literally, i will be staying in the room that offers the view of the male hostel, in which i made neighbour with the chinese that is originally come from China-land that i never talk to. i'll be eating whatever tasteless delicacies in cafe and reading whatever books i can find in the library and watching whatever movie i can download or get from friends.

it's gonna be my last liberty before i head back to my dull life. my life is not as dull as the grainy black and white film, with only gray, black, and white lines intertwined each other, mine is a mixture of red rage and green envy that conceal the  few dots of the blue calm and the pure white. too much of these, my eyes are  now blinded by the striking colours and my mind is weary by the drama of the struggling family. 


everyone has his own predicament. i am not trying to project myself as the only person who is troubled by problems, i understand that i should not make fuss of this. it is temporary, i should just be patient. but the running thoughts always lead me to travel back and forth, from the past to present, from present to past, from contented to restless. 

last conversation i had with mom, made me restless as if i have another PMS after my monthly menstruation cycle. talking to mom is heartening and stressful most of the time. looking into mom's eyes is another thing. her high pitched, and shrill tone cannot conceal the sad look from her eyes that contain mountainous of hopes on me. it's a burden. a loaded one, a package given to one who was born without fortune. it's a lucky thing that it was not a face-to-face conversation so i am feeling less guilty.

when i get back home in December, mom will chirp (more like nagging to me) endlessly, brother will make lame jokes of trying to clear out the forlorn air, and my little sister (physically bigger than i now) will pester everyone in the house, rummaging through my bags and stuff, an irritating trick of getting attention that she rarely has.  that is pretty much how we run the family.

oh, well!

Monday, November 15, 2010

for the nation, i sacrifice my jolly hours.

had just finished the Malaysian Lit reading material.
The Return by K.S. Maniam and
This End of the Rainbow by Adibah Amin

started the one by Adibah, yester-night and finished at the lunch time
while The Return, began at 3 in the evening and finished by midnight.

patting my own back.
declaring awesomeness and smiling in vain
 the smile faints as my eyes set onto Preeta Samarasan's work.

'Evening is the Whole the Day' is the title
 weighing to read or not to read

calculating the pages... 400 pages

will take two days of determination and strong-willed


and so it becomes 'Two days are the Preeta's Days'
 ........................................................................
for the nation, and the exam

i'll try.

*sigh.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

our Manglish is fun yet funny. why hail to the Queen?

everyone wants to improve their English. they will be very happy if their daughter, boyfriend, girlfriends, son, wife, mates, scandals are good in English. parents start to send the children to a language centre at the early age so their children will be speaking like the 6-year-old British/American boy. teenagers start to listen to some crap music of Bieber, Gaga or even Yuna in the name of learning words like baby, telephone or rocket. ptff.

here are some thoughts of it.

with accent or without accent, it should not be an issue. even the whites have clearly stated that accent is merely a way of pronunciation. accent is an indicator of your identity, ethnicity, region and culture. i don't think one should feel ashamed of his mispronunciation or funny accent because that differs us all. hence, embrace your accent, be proud of our funny Manglish because that is what we are, the 'funny Malaysian'.

our people are overly worshiped the English and this might due to the old colonised mindset that never seem to demise. we can learn the language, we can be good at it, but do not forget our mother tongue. i am cutting of my finger, boldly saying that in future, there will be lesser young who can use Bahasa in a right manner. the unpolluted Malay and the non-shorted version of Bahasa will be so rare and there will be lesser who can sort words into beautiful rhymed of 'pantun'.

say whatever. some might think i have no right to preach about the importance of Bahasa because i should be writing this post in Bahasa if i love the language so much. English is merely my business, the road that i have chosen that leads my future. i have nothing else to utilize, i had left math and sciences years ago. i don't have the machinery skills of technology and gadgets and so i have to use the knowledge of this language to the max with hope that it will be able to promise me some fancy comfy position in the future.

in a normal day (non-academic day), i use about 70% of Bahasa, and leave the other 30% for watching movies, listening to music, and writing my blog.

in my heart, i am still a girl who is awe-stricken by Haji Muhamad Salleh's 5-minute-made of pantun.

Friday, November 12, 2010

being too honest in your blog is not good. someone would love to kill you.

commitment baby. all i need is a little awareness from you to be more responsible in whatever action you have taken. if you have a meeting, should you be unconsciously sleeping until the meeting ends? if you have an exam, should you be 15 minutes late? if you make a promise, should you break it?

curse me with all kinds of hate rants because i am done dealing with your folly. it is such a relief that i am no longer care the shit-things you do. i have reached the glory of ignorant. do i like this feeling? dang! i love it baby.

for at least, i won't be spending times dreadfully waiting for you. for at least i won't be feeling sad when you cancel our plan at the very last minute. for at least, i am free of the responsibility of reminding you to stay focus. for at least i am not feeling guilty when i look into your parents eyes.

i wonder if you sense this, they hope for a bright future and better fortune of yours and you....kind of spoil it.

suffice to say, you have successfully turn me into a heartless robot but don't feel bad, i kind of like it. don't get so awkward when i am around you because i am pretty much the same, perhaps a bit bitter. i may not be a part of your funny talk because i am no longer understand the joke. but i will keep smiling, pretending like nothing happens because i can simply put on the Mask of Ignorant.

p/s: though you can conceal the feeling, you cannot lie to yourself.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

the remaining few

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters, Lucius Annaeus Seneca.
with only few close friends, lesser than 10, perhaps for only 5 i make no hesitation to believe that quality is better than quantity. i used to be in a huge group of girls that made enemies to the teachers and the teachers' dogs. i used to be sleeping with five girls on a single bed, used to be caught of cheating just to help a friend, used to be in a fight with Mak Cik canteen to justify my right of having the chicken wing instead of drumstick. thinking back of it, i fought for quantity rather than quality. for having more time to sleep, for having more food on that silver tray, for having more hours to stay awake and watch telly. we were a bunch of monkeys who hate rules and preferred to be condemned by the wardens.

those schoolgirls' days.

now, the members of bitches are gone, scattered all around, with i am the only person being thrown to the north and the rest are still somewhere in the south. the one that i really closed when i was in school, we rarely contact each other. i stopped to contact her, knowing that she's not eager as i to keep this friendships lasts. in about 10 girls, only 4 are reliable and the numbers become lesser and lesser, and this exact moment in USM i have about, let me count, err, ZERO, yillek, nada, cibai.

numbers of friends in facebook used to matter a lot to me until i realized its full of funny names and funny faces, i know not who. and so i deleted about two hundreds of strangers and will soon delete the acquaintances that  i rarely make contact with. facebook can kill sanity and make you believe that you have a perfect life but its actually a full of crap. remember, a mother who killed her baby while playing farm ville, look how technology degenerates us all.

how easily to get distracted.

so, number is not important. frankly,  i used to get jealous of girls who have fun with themselves, writing on each others' wall and blog like every hour while i remain pathetic, entertain only those i really close with and they are not avail online for 24/7. but of course, i get over it. a hater used to state how pathetic my life is, walking to the class alone, pretending to be happy. i am happy. put the earphones to the ear buds anytime and anywhere, to boost the positive mood.
aaa what did you say? cant hear you? 
why trouble your head with vile thoughts of others when you can just be a total ignorant. friends are just friends. they come and go. the few remaining are those you can call the true friends.
biar jauh di mata, dekat di hati,

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the PMS moment

its a bad sign to your gallant soul when you start thinking of future, another sign of aging? yes it is.

the more you stay the same, the more you seem to change, (Corrine Bailey Ray)
just quoted a song, what a lame-ass.

its been a long time since i had a real laugh, the one that makes one's body crippled when trying to restrain the loud giggle, the one can draw tears of joy while laughing, the one that makes the face numbs of enjoying the jolly moment , the jaw almost draws out of your skull, and when one snaps the picture of that exact moment, we will all be seen moving, shaking, and giggling.

those days are gone.


numbers of things i've never done. ive never been out of malaysia. not even reach the sabah and sarawak. i've never been on a flight. never been to a concert. mom never sent me to tuition centre. i didnt attend the religion school. im not living in a decent house. i have no driving license. i don't own blackberry or smart phones. don't even know how to use them. i  used to lie about my father whenever people asks it. i never have that daughter-father talks, will never have. gladly, i have reasons for ignoring him.

i haven't eaten since last night, so i am hungry.

my emotion, expressions are collectible. its changeable because its in a form of masks and i am the master of camouflage. the jubilant, the ignorant, the bitch, the wicked, the playful, the not serious, the serious, the bitter old maid, the green child, the strong hulk, the weakling duck, the complainer, the crier, the loser, the boastful, the jolly, the poor lass, the folly, the smart-ass, the typical, the eccentric,the confidence, the wimp, the frugal, the spender, the loser, the winner.

i am The Mask.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

oh, tomorrow!

the quote for today at my blog page is saying,

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail (Benjamin Franklin)
oh, great! my big final examination is tomorrow.
oh, hell yeah! i had posted three posts  today.
oh, that's great! i am surely gonna survive, coming out alive from the exam hall tomorrow.
oh, yeah baby! i can smell the joyful moment of stress in that fucking freezing hall.

and tomorrow my friend,
 it's gonna be a legend -- oh wait for it, wait for it ----- dary! (Barney Stintson)

Weight Police

i always want to share music and songs that i love. and right after i finished writing the previous post, i thought of sharing a Marilyn Manson's song, entitled The Beautiful People, but i'll never be his fan because he's freaking weird. instead, i chose one of my favourite songstress Kate Nash and she is always my favorite. i love her artsy vintage style. i love her voice tone and her talent of creating music and writing songs. and i just love to see her happy and content in her own body, well, she is not one of the many skinny artists. 

and this song, i dedicated to the 'weight polices' that i have had the opportunity of meeting them throughout my entire 21 years of living. sinfully, i secretly loathe their job. tell you, being obsessed with weight is not good. no good, no good. so just let one be happy and content in their own skin. shall we?
Enjoice.

"Skeleton Song"

Skeleton you are my friend
But you are made of bone
And you have got no flesh and blood
Running through you to help protect the bone

Skeleton we have been friends for years
And you have seen me through some trials
And tribulations and some tears
But everybody thinks I'm weird

And I should have known
That it wouldn't be long
Until you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I don't know what to do

Skeleton we are so close
But you have got no body
So why do you insist on wearing clothes

Skeleton when we were young
It was easy
Even though the other kids
They would tease me
But I was only seven I had you
But now I'm twenty-two

And now it's different, when I take you out
And you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I don't know what to do

'Cause sometimes at night,
I dream of the most terrible things
I take a hammer and I creep out of bed
And I raise it high
And I smash your head
Fibular and tubular
And ribs and cages, too
In fact, while I'm here
I'll smash the whole of you

Smaaaaaaaaaaash !

But Skeleton, you are my friend
And I could never bring your life to an end
Yes Skeleton you are, you are my friend
And I will be there for you until the end

And even though, when I take you out
You've got me, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
I could, I could never let you go

And that is all I know
And that is all I know
And that is all I, that is all I know
And that is all I know, know

let me be me.

fuck, i hate you, mr. blogger! stealing my precious minutes just to upload that fucking post box? and now the euphoria of writing something nice and kind just went away.

rage rage rage.

so here is the thing that i intend to say to the people that i cannot say this straight to their face because these women are so innocent and green and warm-hearted by nature. i appreciate your kindness of giving me advice on 'weight issue' but i have no trouble of being happy in my own body. i love the extra bulge on my tummy while i sit, my asses are so comfy and meaty like the super comfy cushion, so glad that the pelvis bone doesn't come out from it and i love the roundness of my bosom, because unlike others i have boobs.

i am always what people see, the chubby moon. if i could change myself, shed these few kilos i would not be called as chubby moon, and i will just be the normal-sized-moon. oh God, everyone is different, and i love to be different. don't expect people to be similar, small, petite sized, skinny bone-lass, and dont expect the kilos can just vanish, poof, like i have the power of Merlin.

to be healthy does not mean that you have to score the 0-2 size. does not mean that you have to wear the S or XS size. what a moronic typical mind. i eat veggies. i love milk. i eat fishes more than chicken (at home). i don't eat at late of midnight, (usually before 8pm, exception for certain times). i drink almost 7 glasses of plan water daily. i rarely drink sugary cordial drinks. i use stairs and climb up the hill often and i am not a fat ass who finds it difficult in finding clothes in boutiques.

women are born to be irritating, annoying creature, and i am talking about me too. always care of what they look like, what they wear of, what to eat, what color compliments the skin tone, oh, come on! sometime we should just get loose, get wild, be crazy, and be happy in our own skin and body.

and now, i am starting to believe that i am fated to be in the same size, that catch extra attention for my bigger ass and i  love them. instead of being slim, skinny and lean, i make sure that i eat and live healthily. not that i give up of trying but i have to learn to accept the truth.

and the truth is always ugly.
the fact that i am always in this shape since i had my first menstruation.

i had enough of starving myself, and counting calories. let me be me, because i am cool with it.
[cool emoticon inserted]

Friday, November 5, 2010

blueish

try to suck the ink tube and you get a package of blue tongue, teeth, lips

and

the pen runs smoothly right after that.

oh well, the ink tastes just horrific!

half full or half empty?

last night i thought of blogging, but i have little patient while waiting for the box to upload so i turned off the laptop and off to sleep. and this remind me of other situations that prove i have little patient.

i hate waiting for the lift, so what i did, i used stairs either to reach the room or to get out. but that was last year, when i was living in 5-6th floor.

waiting for the bus, could dread anyone's patient, so am i. instead of waiting for it, i chose to walk and climb the hill in order to reach the college. but that was years ago, when i was still in M03 and not stranded at the highest peak of USM. back in 2009, when i finished the evening class, i walked my way to college. but it is of course, sometimes, and i preferred to be walking than squeezing myself in bunch of people on the bus.

i hate lining up knowing that i can just rush to the counter.

i cannot tolerate those who don't pick up my call, after several attempts of doing so. if it is inevitable, i understand that.

once i decided to cut my hair which most of the time is spontaneously done, i just have to fulfill the desire so it's either i will cut my own hair (bang) by myself or rush to the nearest salon.  once i did that, oh what a relief feeling but not if the haircut was disastrous.

i had cut my hair short (a boy cut), knowing that it wont get any longer and healthier. 

waiting kills the virtue of being patient and i only have half full of it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

symptomatick

few of university's friends and acquaintances had an accident on their way to Pangkor Island. some of them had gone through operation and some had broken arms and legs. its an awe shuck and the eye opener to me and everyone else that life is shorter, so we have to take a good care of ourselves, since next week is final exam, bla bla bla - aww, cut the crap. i hope they will get well soon. anyways no one died. thank God.

i had a gastric attack, right after i had dinner (fried maggi). its weird, right, had a gastric after you had your meal? it is a rare incident because i am usually well digested and i am pretty sure that i ate more than i usually had, (had taken three meals instead of two) how come this gastritis can come again. the last time i had this when i was in form 5 and it was horrible that i can barely move. so as this time, except, mom is not here, right at this moment to soothe the pain.

so i bought myself a glass/box/bottle of milk because milk can neutralize the acidic gas in the stomach.

and about 20 minutes later, hooray, i am all better. not exactly, the gas is still there. but i shall not make fuss for at least i can lie on bed like a starfish and not shrinking like the shrimp, restraining the pain.

and oh, i am pain in assssssssss, trying to read Joseph Andrews and now weighing whether i should finish it or leave it. hurm.

Friday, October 29, 2010

shop-a-holic

COST, MONEY, that bloody money. so many to do, so little money i have. being frugal as always, i am totally a jerk when it comes to food. i used to restrain myself for not eating luxuriously and preferred to spend it on clothes, bags, shoes, make up, and all the womanly gadgets. still i love those. but no money no talk-lah.

frankly speaking, i was a shopaholic. and a compulsive shopper one. yes, i was. every time i laid eyes on shoes, clothes, clothes, shoes, rings, i cannot think straight. brain stopped to function and the blood rushed to the heart, to the hands that insisted to hold on it and so i paid for some clothes i needed not. as soon i realized that i was a poor folly and was duped by my own desire, of course i felt remorse to myself for having no control of my pocket.

there is nothing wrong if you have lotsa money and a shopaholic.

but it is a serious offense if you have little money and a so-called shopaholic and you proud of telling people that you are, a shopaholic. boo-hooo!!!

i believe that hell LOTS of women claim that they are shopaholics, life devoted to fashion and beauty so they shop, shop and shop. and i do believe that very few of them know that shopaholic is actually an addiction, and it is as worse as alcoholic, workaholic, drugaholic and other -olic.

if you have money and helluva lot of it, you have the access to shop everywhere, anywhere, anytime. not bother to pester you but to feel a flick of jealousy, maybe.

but still, ladies, do you like, don't you, to be known as a sick-o and an addict?

have some mercy to read more than the shopping directory and shopping wish list.

p/s: women are just women.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

my good friend

oh my good, cute, charming, lovable, funny, thoughtful (and everything in between) girlfriend.

you are a good friend of mine, indeed you have been real nice to me although we barely spend time together but i know that you are a good one, a friend through thick and thin. as for making this relationship as warm as always we always contact with each other virtually because distance is the major obstacle that we faced but it is the price we have to pay for staying far away.

ok now my cuddling cutey dear friend, i would love to hear your motivational thought. seriously i'd love that.

and you know why?
because it is a happy-mood-booster for my day when i read yours.

instead of un-privatize the comment box why don't you hit my gmail inbox. or perhaps i could place a shoutbox at my blog, so u can drop your thoughts there. is it cool? are we cool?

dear ain, i have informed you these two suggestions through facebook but this post is merely a more-than-fun thing to blog about. hehe. don't get mad. it just that i am not ready to open up, to accept comments and criticism.  besides, i want to accentuate the element of surprise to the new readers. wanka!

ho ho ho ho ho
oh, i know it's lame!

whose gonna read this blog, anyway. ho ho ho. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

you, me, you, are Yahoos.

it is not easy to be pure kind. i am well informed since i was in the cradle, to forget and forgive is another way of being merciful to others who did malign act. easy said than done, it is a hard thing to do.

to forget and to forgive are inseparable, almost impossible to do.

i have no trouble of forgiving people, although to the meanest person in my life, i'll always forgive him. to insist me to forget as if nothing has happened between me and you, you and mom, him and you, me and her, is redonkulous. not if you were gifted by numerous capacity of remembering petty issues.

do not expect me to be all nice and kind and if you think i did, it is only an act of pretentious. it is better to be choked of being phony rather than being brute and rude to others. sometimes i wish i could be more forgetful.

and to have a temporary amnesia would be beneficial to knot this vile thought down down in heart and straight goes to the colon, from go killing and destroying.

suck it all, girl, ( to me). accept the fact that your heart is contaminated by the vices of this entire universe and you my dear, are indeed a Yahoo by nature.

wait, aren't we all are Yahoos?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

when the psycho bitch bites

i supposedly searched any kind of reading material about the coming test, which is on Gulliver's Travel, but as i believed that it also happened to everyone, i end up found something else.

i took a personality disorder test under the sub-heading of psychology test in which it can tell you what kind of psychotic you are. as for the result,  i scored almost at all section, moderate. so i am not paranoid, not an anti social, i dont have a schizotypal disorders, so i am almost beyond normal until i figure out that i scored very high at histrionic, and high at narcissistic and obsessive-compulsive sect.


now, it is very interesting to know what is histrionic. i stumbled upon this because i didn't know what it meant. thought that histrionic might derive from word 'history' and i was so wrong.
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
dang! i was shocked by this brief explanation about what is histrionics and i laughed as soon as i read this. not trying to be an actual histrionic, the practice of analysing text and characters enable me to scrutinize the finding. i may be and may not be a constant attention seeker. although i love to be something out of the norm, my dress and hijab are sometimes eccentric but i am not the one who everyone remembers the most. i confess that i often interrupting others and knowing this is not good at all, i try to interrupt lesser. the un-highlighted traits, i made no fuss of it. there is nothing to rebuke about because i am not as described.


the next line that i have redden , is a 50-50 situation, in one hand it is true and the other hand, it is arguable. tend to exaggerate friendships perhaps, yes. an instance of this, i love to emphasize one special trait if i found her pleased to be with and so i'll tell the people surround about it. however i don't believe that everyone loves me, makes me wanna laugh of this. i made fiends more than i suppose too. so, i proved the test is not accurate.

and fyi, i am by nature manipulative. it is an innate ability or talent i should call. muahahahahha.

manipulative - skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage
the next high scored in the finding, is narcissistic. ok, i don't feel the wrong of being one, not if you are fighting alone against the world but become overly obsessed with yourself might resulting tragedies in your life. in my case i certainly have reasons to be one, because there are so much flaws that i have and being a narcissist help me to boost the confident level.

it is fucking annoying to be me sometimes, because i understand myself more than i suppose too.

jumble mumble

i am typing on this very blog with my unwashed hand. skanky, i know! muahahaha. had my lunch that i purposely take-away but this time i didnt bring my foldable tupperware. while doing so (eating), i read others' blog and some top notch bloggers that i currently addicted to. it's like having a ritual reading that i just have the urgency to click on their pages every few hours just to know what they had written about. okay, some of my favourites top notch bloggers are Obefiend (i cant get enough of him), the malay male amirhafizi and few others, unmentioned.

as an english lit students, it is undeniable that most of influential writers are male. me, being female it is hard to accept the fact that male writers are way better in expressing their thoughts and doctrine. a lot of women love to read and most of them can write well, but few of them can be as powerful as men writer. few examples, Orwell who came out with powerful fictions of politics parody, like Animal Farm and 1984, the famous Shakespeare, the bold Karim Raslan, and many others. in fact, most of my reading material that i covered are male writers. it is few, i guess the numbers of men that indulge in reading and writing poetry, but the few numbers who can write are certainly gifted and geniuzzz.

i dont know why i can come out with this thought. maybe it is due to the current obsession of reading obe (and others) too much. but mind you, the knowledge that come are not by nature, pure. it has to be filtered by your conscience of weighing what is RIGHT and WRONG. religion has to be the guideline and not to be seen as a tool of oppression.

english is still important but to forget our nature mother tongue is a big NO. kudos to those who appreciate the bahasa and at the same time write beautifully with it. i would love to be poetic in bahasa but i guess the talent is not there.  

enough with the ramblings. i better off wash my hand. grandma used to warn that whoever let their unwashed hand dried after eating, she will be married late. Ha! bad habits die hard, i have been doing this for millionth times. does this imply that i won't get married?

oh, well!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

joy and glee spirit

i am in the Glee fever. waiting for the next episode which will be aired this coming Wednesday, wohoo! can't wait for it. so it is actually a glee-week for me, because i steal a lot of lines from the series to be made as my status, such as


i don't know why you say goodbye i say hello, hello hello!
time be my friend and let me start again, 

or

suy un perdedor, i'm a loser baby, so why dont you kill me!


ha! it hits me sometimes. but to make this line as my status, i suppress the thought.
i know its lame, stealing lines and make it as yours. well people dont ask, i guess it is legal in a way.

for a week, i woke up having glee covered up songs hummed in my brain, it went on the whole day, the moment i spent times thinking in the ritual toilet visits, when i made my usual walk to the bus stops until the time when the lazy bum needs to get rest at night, i heard them singing in their usual lively spirit blessing my day. the song made me smiling and i feel content when the whole world seems to smile back to me :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

i wanna i wanna

i want to be in love and get married and have babies and have houses with posh cars and a huge wardrobe of designer suits and numbers of designer posh shoes and bags and to be happy and content with my life.

thank you.

you think this story gonna have a happy ending? happy ending is a story for that haven't finished yet.

it is the same usual feeling

this week i called my mom a lot. every day i tried to spend few minutes of talking about her day, what she had cooked for that day, my siblings, my grandma, all sorts of things merge into a rather short conversation, not more than 10 minutes. it is the same feeling of yesterday, i am missing her already.

November and December are not the happy jolly months for my family. it is because mom's nursery which most of the customers are teachers will not be sending their kids to our nursery and that means no ringgit flows in. it is an annual appalling condition that i aware and concern of but the need of asking her for money in order to survive within these final days makes me feel guilty and remorse to myself. it will be the same feeling until once I've started working.

the only person that i rely the most is my mom. what other options do i have when the money runs out. she is the only person that i hold onto. i don't know what would happen if she's gone earlier than she supposed to. going bonkers? living loveless is a sure thing. i really hope that everything that i am currently working on will be her greatest present in future and that is a promise. my affection to you will remain the same usual feeling i have for you now, and forever.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

i forget to be cool

i had a strange dream, and so i wake up with a strange feeling. and i did strange things today. been changing clothes over and over before i decided to put on baju kurung, and i chose to suit it with my pair of electric blue pumps which is the most uncomfortable shoes i have. bad choice when i have to use the bus to get back to hostel. so i received many eyes looking at me in incomprehensible manner. do i look like a clown or is it me who feel that way?

i stopped at the cafe to buy myself a brunch. so i waited at the Solihin cafe, patiently waiting for my turn in  a good manner, not rushing to place my order. felt like it was my first time that i didnt mind hungry girls cutting off my queue. its a strange kindness i had today. i brought along my fold-able tupperware as my first trial of trying to be green, and put it in my bag so that i wont be charged 30cent for the container. not that im being stingy but i support the green living, besides i am a committee for Kelab Alam Sekitar.

right when my turn has come, i had the urgency of checking my bag. so i did, and realized that i did not bring my purse, money, or coins, or any form of exchanging currency. jack-ass isn't it, and at that moment my mp3 played one of Eliza Doolittle's song, she sang straight to my eardrum 'i forget, i forget to be cool, cool cool',

yes, i forgot to bring my purse, instead i had a fold-able tupperware. isn't that cool? 

p/s: imagining myself eating in front of the lappy and be laughing while watching the Glee series that i intend to repeat.

Monday, October 18, 2010

pretty reckless, indeed!

i really hate myself to know that i am pretty reckless by nature. what i mean by nature, it is more than once it happened (the unfortunate series of my life) and no matter how hard i am trying to be vigilant its all end up as misery someday. heck. i am now in pain due to ankle injury and in pain of thinking on how to complete the shit-ASSignments. i loathe myself for keep delaying and time flies very fast, i know.fuck!

talking about me being very reckless, i slipped while i was descending the stairs and accidentally my right feet was not in the right position to support my body fat, and boom i fell. what i hate the most, this unfortunate series comes in season, which also means when the time has come i might fall/slip two-three times a week. shit as hell.

and now, yeah i am wasting my time, writing this whiny junk in my blog with hope that it could take away my pain. huhu, seriously i am in ache. i need not medicine but i need the attention. LOL, i guess, that is why im writing this down. lame-ass!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

of a silly little thing called love

my bestfriend, has fallen in love again :), but with a three-year-boy younger than her. i was shocked after receiving this, knowing that she is a play-hard type of girl, i know it is not easy for her to say that she had found someone. but the truth is i am happy for it, it is a good starting for her to move on and not to dwell in the past.

you see, a lot of my good friends, most of them were my schoolmates, we are sharing the same pattern of perceiving love. take my bestfriend A for instance, she has been looking a guy that has similar traits like her ex boyfriend, although she is indeed a beauty she could get anyone if she wants to. so, there is a sense of loyalty in her that made us pretty much the same when it comes to Love.

another instance is my best friend B. her first love was when she was adolescent, perhaps in her thirteen. people usually label it as a puppy love and surprisingly it is more than that. she is now still madly in love with the same person that she used to cry over and tell you, it is not an easy road that she had chosen. after many years they had not been seeing each other, the similar feeling remains untouched. the power of love? think about it.

my best friend C who is known for her firm and obstinate character surprised me when she told me about her heart break story. did not only it broke her heart but it made her way thinner. (sometimes i wish it would happen to me too, so i can get rid of these lazy bum ;p). we were very much distant by the distance, although i dont have any experience of being heartbroken, i know that was the most serious affliction that could ever happen to a woman. but now, she is living happily in her own skin after months/years to get over him and i am hoping for her new relationship to be long lasted.

my best friend D, has never fall in love and never decided to settle in a foul relationship like i did once. and she's like all of my friends, is charming, pretty, cute, smart and kind. so it is puzzling to know a person like her is still single. (i am belong into that group too, hehe) and she keeps telling me, she has not yet found 'The Man', and we will be giggling all night while talking of these future project of getting 'The Man'. i dont see any reason of calling people like us as choosy, because it is way better to be singleton rather than stranded in a foul relationship. trust me, i had tried it.

therefore, conclusion that i can draw is that me and my smexy girlfriends, we don't belong into a group of women who think that love is a science project, that you have to try and test it for making it a success. to me, love is a pure feeling that will come to everyone of us, it is a matter of time that makes us all different.

so,

dont stop believing :)

Monday, October 11, 2010

blogging is tempting

oh well! i cannot help myself from not to write of anything. i have too. although i made several attempts to write normally as if i am in the stone age, by using a pen and a notebook, but it didnt work out. too bad. i have to reinvent a new blog for keeping me alive.

welcome aboard, to me!

hopefully this blog may have a safe voyage of sailing in the ocean of turmoil of mine. i curse a lot, so as my blog. but i want to keep this blog for a long time and consistently writing on it so i shall be happy when i read what i have written.