Friday, November 23, 2012

monthly breakdown

mentally exhausted is best described what i am feeling right now. i am all weary when it comes to living. never once i felt as tired as this time that i don't think i want to be that strong anymore. all i want right now is to be living with the love of my life, having no worries when it comes to financial, happy, and happy, except that i don't really have a special one.

we all had moved out from seremban and now living in johor. the most northern part of malaysia. we brought particularly nothing only the little things that we have collected during the 6 years of living separately with dad. well expected, none of dad's family members made the last visit, bid us final goodbye. my dad, he was not even around seremban the day we were all busy loading up stuff to truck. sad, innit. but yes, life needs to go on.

right now, we are staying in a small cheap house before our new house completes which will be on march next year. there are so much to do, so many to gain, so many to buy before we actually move in. that will be our very first house. i am literally cracking my head by thinking how are we gonna get the whole load of money for namely electricity, grilled door and windows, etc.

mom used to open up a nursery for kids back in seremban. knowing she's getting old day by day, we all whole-heartedly decided to jump into food business since mom and my aunt, they both love cooking. the problem is, we have to start all over. from the very start, from a scratch. so for these few months, probably for the ongoing months, i am in charge of the financial matter. and as 23rd pampered girl, i am not sure how to confront this, but i just have to do it.

reality is such a bitch and it leaves me not even a glorified moment to remember. sometimes, like this time, my head would lure me to chase some rich bastard and get married and soon the financial crisis will be over. my salary would go to mom's account and i'll be spending the rest of my day spending the husband's money. that would be so so good eh. but misery doesn't end that way. i know giving up is certainly not the answer. marrying some rich guy doesn't guarantee an eternal joyous. so i just have to face this.

there are times, i would love to have somebody by my side. who would console my weary heart, telling me everything's gonna be fine. someone who would give me a comforting hug when all else failed. having to think of it, i don't think i can afford of staying in love, or being in love or to be loved. just not now. not when our family is at mess. not when everything is at worst.

the whole reason of this whiny passage is that i am suffering with pms. pathetically i am crying the whole moment while i am writing this down. yes, i am that weepy but weeping is comforting.



Saturday, October 27, 2012

pretty much of everything

did i ever tell how i am longing the moment of this. this when i am typing down the words in this still silence of  the night. i miss the times when i was able to sleep late in the night without having the slightest worry of waking up early in the morning. i miss the lonely single nights i spent doing absolutely nothing productive by watching my favourite series and having to click on some random articles. i miss my old life. i miss every single of the lonesome night i had back in penang.

having the experience of your heart being toyed with curiosity of the vague lines between man and woman, i must say it opened up every unknown senses that i never knew exist in me. i am not traumatized somehow. i still want to settle down, one day. it just that i have learned a lot from the weeping experience.

the greatest gift i have in the present, is friendships and girlfriends. words cannot describe how grateful i am to be blessed with these kind people. i seriously would marry one of my girlfriends if they have the -y chromosome and the rising knight. frustratingly, nope.

family matters still suck. we plan to move out from my first ever hometown, seremban, and move to the most northern part of malaysia. i have no backup plan nor any plan on how we gonna survive, but i know that we just have to do it and God will ease out our journey. i had put on weights and still havent come out with diet/exercise routine and this weight issues, always draw the attentions from my ever-so-shallow aunties. relatives are major annoyance, i tell you.

still bitter to the restless girls at my age who are so badly wanting to get married. i just do not understand how a marriage can actually take away your present sorrow and guarantee the brighter day than you have now. hold onto this please 'when the time has come, it will come'. everything has written up there and live according to the God's plan.

of love affairs, i have none at this present. few came along, i can be picky most of the time, yet still clueless how i could fall for the last guy who made my life so so so in mess. so messed up, i cried up all night long whenever i talked of this to the loyal girlfriends ever i've made. and these people are the one who are never ever gave up on me. i have this thought, what do i really want in this man. is it love? is it his attention? is it sex? i cant tell you. what if he treats me good or find his way back to me again? do i still gonna have him in my life? am i really that strong to mend him? do i really want him to like him? do i want to live with him? this guy, i tell you is so so vulnerable inside. his ruined soul can creeps to your bone and rip your brain out of the head. real story!

work is sucks! but i have to have the money. i have to feed the devilish lust of shopping in me and i have to help out the family. i dont own a car and god knows how badly i want it. lucky to those whose parents can buy the car as if it is bicycle. me on the other hand have to work on it. i bought a house at johor. a small double-storey terrace that would fit the four of us. and i am still working at the same company.

so yeah! for the sake of typing this out. i miss writing. i miss the tension of getting the right word to describe best my notion. i twitter a lot instead. now hating facebook with all my heart and butt. ok then. selamat hari raya aidil adha then. :)

a remark of once a fool

how long since i last posting on this blog. how long i have been away from this dying page. and god knows, how badly i want to keep on writing and blogging, and only god knows how incapable i was to do so at this present moment.

it is end of October, changing of season and blimey, it almost the end of 2012. yet, i am still, still, sickly pathetically thinking of him. god knows, how good i am at digging information and god knows how broken i am at knowing the truth and only god knows the reason why on earth i am still thinking of him. can you believe it? after few men came along i found myself still having the thought of him. this is insane! as one of the sensible i cant believe that i fall for someone like him.

crazy as it sound, i am still counting moments when i am finally free from his voodoo.

this is the post i had written yesterday. i was not at the right mind, overly think of this petty matters. but i decided to publish this post. best to be a remark of i was once a fool and still a fool sometimes in the present.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

one more thing

one more thing,

as everyone aware of, we all know that in this recent world, with homosexuality, vices, sex, beliebers, gaga, abortion, divorces, etc all around us, women are left with even fewer choices of decent men. decent here includes stability in terms of financial and testosterone level, these two are crucial to the key of marriage. not forgotten, religion.

but that is not exactly what i intend to talk.

i mean to say that, no matter how terrifying the increasing number of the gay men and the extinct number of decent men in the world, these fearful facts won't change the way i am, the way i determine the guy who i should end up with. a best friend of mine who happens to be single and awesome as i, she is suffering with her  college friends who hold onto a motto 'don't be fussy, grab whoever'. blimey, i am dying to soak these people into the black sea, making them less shallow.

wait, i don't mean to say this, either.

let me just drive you to my earliest intention, i can't simply grab whoever that comes knocking. call me obnoxious, self conceited, i don't think i should waste my time to some undeserved men. and i don't think that to get to the right man i have to hang out with lots lots lots of men. i simply can't do that. the man will come when the time has come. inject some faith and dignity, you will get what is best for you.

soooo, that's it i guess. a piece of thought from the inexperienced, self conceited me.

ohhhhh welllllll :3

antidote, perhaps?

my work life has made my mind blunt. unproductively, my daily task only requires me to go through the kyc of companies and scrutiny the transaction that occurs in that respective account. honestly, it is plain mundane. the only good part of my working life is the people around me.

now, talking about saving eh. 

i save zero. the account bank is like the tap water, without the awareness to actually close the faucet, without the frugality to save a penny, don't even try to dig on how much dough i keep in my not-yet-exist-saving-account. 

to defend myself, i do have valid reason of why after more than 6 months, i am still completely and arse when it comes to being frugal. 

1st. i need to feed my temptation, by buying anything that i want, though it is not what i need, i have to get it on my own because if i don't get the things i want, i will never ever dream of getting it as i don't have a father who can swipe the things that i want, and to put the burden onto a mother who has already sacrificed way too much to the family is the least thing i would do. valid enough eh for one who doesn't always get what she wants.

2nd. expenses to the family. being the eldest, being the daughter of a useless father, being the sister of the siblings where it is only her that they can turn to, being the company of a single mother who relies to her first daughter, i am left with little choice. 

true story. 

there are sometimes, when numbers of bad memories sting this mental box, making me depress with the never ending problems, the insecurity of the future life. i wish there is somebody who can take the pain away, hold my hands to comfort me with hopes that things are going to be better. back to my little room, realizing i have nobody to rely on. no one to sooth my weariness. no one to share the burden, god knows how empty one can feel. 

yes, i know the antidote of the sadness. that is to be positive, to remain strong, to be faithful to Allah and its power. but i can't help but to feel lost and empty, once in a while, of course. like at this moment. when i woke up this morning, i had this strange heavy feeling in my heart, that i was not being my usual self who would contemplate for 10 mins in front of the mirror, wondering what would look best in me. not even bother to keep my daily routine, simply left my face naked and bare its gloominess. the thought that it's gonna be temporary demised as i am still pathetically in this mood and typing this down with hope that the heart can spare a little space for jollier times tomorrow.

anyway, anyhow, as today is soo sooooo confusing that i am still unable to find the reason behind this sullen face. yet, i pray for better tomorrow. 

p.s: the office was in flood today, funnily and strangely the piping system got leaked even though the building has not yet reached 5 months. 

p.p.s: i might be joining samba class along with the super jolly colleagues. 

p.p.p.s: and i am doing pilates tho i am not really good with it. still new but planning to do that religiously, :)

oh well. wish me the best, pray me stronger. 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

10

howdy!!!

1. typing this down at home, am blessed to be here with family. even grandmom is here with us.
2. found a new obsession in making my own work attire, tops and dresses. not literally sewing it on my own as i don't even know how to handle that machine. it's mom's work hard and my idea that make the it a success.
3. and now i am contemplating to sell it online. seriously, i have been raining by praises, asking me, wondering where i bought my tops. some sincerely suggest me to have my own label. hehe, a dream it is. lots more to do before i am able to make it real.
4. bought a whole bedroom set, that includes the bed, mattress, wardrobes and dressing table. with my own effort.
5. had just deactivated my fb account. i have no pleasure in it, off and away from it.
6. sadly, i had cancelled the plan to rock the cranberries concert. lots to pay. saving is the priority.
7. sometimes, i still think of him.
8. i remind myself everyday that i am super awesome girl in the universe.
9. starting to include prayer for future headless husband in daily solah. mom told, having a blessed marriage is not something you can get by luck, thus, start to dua' at this very moment.
10.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

the hard heart game #self talk 4

the hardest part with the heart game is to stick with the mind's decision. mind and heart are two different organs, never in the same argument, always at the contrast path, declaring war to each other. numbers of time,  i had betrayed my own decisions, my newly resolved determinations just to follow that alluring call by the heart only to find it broken, shattered by ignorance. hope remains hope. dreams stay in sleep. words decay by time. alas, what's the point of lamenting this unsuccessful relationship with someone i aware of his meanness.

reflecting, i knew him by an accident and it was at the darkest of my day. naaaah, not really. i was perfectly happy and busy of being the greatest single woman on earth, and there he was, accidentally came ruining my prodigy, smearing my title.

i can't help but to feel embarrassed, to be opened up and so transparent with my own feeling. to pour things down, letting people know i had made mistakes, had once be a fool, these are not somethings i proud of. on the brighter spot, it is quite a relief that i prove myself straight, not some cold-hearted lesbian and most importantly i know i am perfectly normal.  the fact that i love guys has enlightened my soul!! :)

anyhow, i will be fine. though there will be a moment or two i will be thinking of him when i see a slender tall body, or when i smell the perfume of him, or when i hear that same sincere manly laugh or the funny lines we had, or when i am dying with absolute nothingness. not to worry, i will be nothing but awesome as i am going through this shitty phase of curing.

that's it i guess. i hope, crossing fingers, vowing in my head, that this shall be the final post of me ranting on a man like a loon.

oh well.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

awan nano nano #self talk 3

lelaki baik itu seperti awan.

a phrase i took from an Islamic article. yet it is interesting, metaphorically true. here in kl, i am longing for serenity, a day when i am still the stern munirah. the day, i wont give a shit of almost anything, the day to be me.

the person in me, is not me. still bitter but utterly weakened by love. love. love, the most talked topic in the universe. i can't believe i had fallen in love to a person that i am clearly aware of his meanness from the very first start. that man, i can list down thousands of his weakness but still pathetically missing him at this very moment. alas, i should let go of this. of this unresolved relationship between me and a man who has little faith in Islam. my strong view and my stern principled were dwindled when i met him, making me floating with imagination and temptation. love is blind, i was blinded.

but i learned the greatest lesson that opens up my mind, my heart to God's greatest power. between me and him, anything beastly tragic moment could happen, but there is a magical force that shuts down every window of evilness. the harder i try reaching him, the harder it takes just to hold the relationship longer. i schemed, plotted over my actions but it ended up just another misery. so here i am ranting and lamenting over this un-blossomed love. i have to admit, i had fallen in love, a free fall but unluckily i landed on the hard surface. but i am lucky to be blessed by critical mind that i deserve a better one, one who can lead me to a better way of living, one who puts his greatest pride in living Islamic way, one who will makes me closer to the creator.

sigh. i know i am strong, this experience is a piece of shit. unimportant to body but is significant to proceed the living.

oh well. oh, i do love hafiz awan nano!!

here's the link tho
http://www.iluvislam.com/tazkirah/remaja-a-cinta/4165-apabila-awan-baik-bercinta-.html