Tuesday, July 21, 2015

My kind of berhuhuhu

10 days more till my wedding.

Huhuhuhuhuuhu. OMFG, I am getting married. Friends been told me, I am probably one of the most laid-back bride to be. Wedding is stressful, but I am tired of getting frustrated with sudden change of plan, petty arguments, money matters, family issue and many others irrelevant unthinkable issues that happen only to a bride. Hence, I can only play cool and berhuhuhuhuhu and pray it will turn out just fine.

Mental wise - Checked.

Yes, I do not overly excited about getting married, the fact that my life will be chained to some man's life, is not as exciting as I imagine it would be. But then, with all the unfavorable experience I had faced in life, I am pretty optimistic that marriage is just another phase and it is not all doom and gloomy and sad and black. Sure, it's gonna be tough, financially challenging to us, both. but that is what life is meant to be and we all know it won't be exciting if it is all flat and dull, Soooooo, will all the optimism and determination, I am quite certain that I am pretty much ready to sail through the sea of marriage.

Of kids. Hurm. It's a tough call. Between wanting to have it as soon as we got married, or wait until we are all ready. Readiness? Well, I do love seeing chubby kids but not sure how I feel about having one on my own. Can't even imagine it, will it inherit my big eyes or the slanting eyes from Adam. Taking care of babies, of course, I can deal with babies, I was a babysitter years ago. But me getting pregnant? be a mom? I can just berhuhuhuhuhuhu with the idea. Peculiar.

Of Bali. This is my favourite part because finally a vacation for a depressed mind is just around the corner. It seems that this soon-to-be-true plan, is lurking me to google the place whenever I found nothing else to do and oh I am deeply excited for it. Being frugal for a year is such a pain in mind and so this Bali trip a.k.a a honeymoon trip will be the best dessert for our event. Such a beautiful end to a stressful event, such a sweet ending to a year of travel-fasting. I am all excited to berhuhuhuhuhu.

10 days more and I have not distributed all the cards yet, still doesnt have an off-white shawl for my akad nikah, still haven't bought the beads and blings for the wedding dress. So much to do and so little effort I have made.

Whatever lah kan. Asal kahwin sudah. Huhuhuhuhuhuhu


Thursday, May 21, 2015

Enlightenment.

A friend suggested me to start a blog, perhaps on food or review of anything since I am pretty much a walking 'food-directory', little that she knew, I have a blog, the abandoned one.

I do want to keep a blog. Being a writer has always been my dream but  now that dream is just a dream. I have forgotten that I had once have this passion of writing and reading and these two activities are not even mentioned in my weekly nor monthly routine. I find it terribly hard just to finish a single book out of the many books that I bought once a year at BBW Sales, so left alone with the idea of keeping a blog alive.

The years I am away from the blog-zone, I am struggling, swimming against the current of wanting to survive and get a job and career. Consequent to that, I am planning to take a MBA or Economics Master or Degree, get a CFA or CFP so I can climb further up to the corporate world. So much plans that drive me greater far from my once upon a dream.

Do I lose my old self on my way of getting accepted in the corporate?

I can't tell. For sure that I have a better mental check, emotionally stable, an okay salary with fat bonus, a good company to stay till retirement, a fiance that doesn't mind my bulging fat or wide ass, girly clans that threw out hens party for me. I am having the time of my life.

Time has changed, so as perception, so as dreams. Perhaps writing a post once a month will help me better with my language work. Perhaps, I still have that writer dreams locked inside, waiting to be polished again. And I am pretty much believe that my soul has not changed a bit, since I am pretty much of the same bubbly moon.

So much of optimism, I hardly believe that this is me.

Hence, a foodie blogger or foodie Instagram-er?





Incompetencies.

I probably have found the company that I will stay for the rest of my life. Judging from my ample free time and ability to write a piece of rambling nonsense in a blog, this company is FTW.

Anyhow, for my current position I am engaged in data and stats, and occasionally in charge of some translation work. Needless to say, I am pretty much in love with my daily task. But then, when it comes to translation, man, I am a disgrace to my English Degree, as it is proven that I am terrible at spotting grammatical error and translating.

Maybe because I have not exercised the language much often as other coursemates or maybe simply because I am just bad at it.

Still, I can handle this.

Monday, February 9, 2015

It's always a random talk on feeling.

I just have the urge to write. I have tonnes to talk about, knowing how rusty I have become, it is a hard work just to write. Currently, I am listening to Lay Me Down by Sam Smith, while secretly posting this online from the office.

The company is in the hassle of restructuring, and I don't really have a task to do since I will be transferred internally. Finally I am able to run from the mundane routine, but then  having much time to think and study in the internet are no fun too. Talking about work, I will be placed in the reporting team and will soon need to learn asap on how to deliver the performance analysis report. New thing, and it has always been my dream. I guess. The good thing in this "malay" company, they recognize my strength, and will probably use it till the end, I wouldn't mind of working too hard.

Anyway, yesterday, a cousin from mom's side had delivered a beautiful baby girl and I took the chance to introduce fiance to my maklong. On our way back home, we teased each other on how ready we are to become parents. He is wholeheartedly ready, and I am still fidgeting, maybe half of it. But then, I always know deep down I have that talent of nurturing the babies. (talking about the past experience).

Later on, we talked on how much I have grown to be. It is just that, I am indeed growing old and boring and I am not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. These days, the journey towards our big day, is not a smooth sailing. We have fights over and over again over teeny tiny petty matters which later at the end of our day, we both agree those petty fights are beyond ridiculous. But then, as what as everyone been advised, these rows are normal and the feeling of 'idontwanttogetmarried' is definitely common.

Sadly true, that I cannot get the joy of spending at this age, but then deep down I believe that I will get that fucking chance to travel around and spend like nobody business. And that would be probably after 5 years of it. 26, engaged and employed, credit-cardless. Checked.




Tuesday, January 20, 2015

An impulse writing.

I have cried myself to sleep.

Maybe it's true that engagement is the hardest part of relationship, when you can get pissed on tiny matters, which lead to another matter.

The way I see a problem is through tiny details. Because I believe, every problem is rooted from tiny trivial matter.

With that tiny trivial unimportant matters, I can foresee where this gonna lead if I neglect what I have. Impulsively, I activate my own defense shield, guarding what I have from losing it to someone who has so little empathy in herself.

Empathy.
Understand and tolerate of what others' might be feeling, take charge of self control, know the limitation.

Lack of empathy leads to assholic traits of being a selfish, brainless and heartless person.

Maybe it is true, women hate each other, and women easily get jealous of other's possession, But I am a woman.

Expectation.
Expecting that people view at least somewhat closer to what you are thinking. Wrong.

Trust.
When one has no courage to speak up right up to you. Violation of trust.







Friday, January 9, 2015

Blah.

Wedding used to be cheap. Mom and dad, they both married using the parents' funds and I believe it was way cheaper than ever. And I, have to leave a huge hole in the pocket just to make a simple wedding.

Not try to complain about the wedding, because we all know, frugality is the key.

It is just that, I am sad. I am disappointed. Utterly disappointed. I don't even know how to express this but it is just so hurt. I can cry the whole day, but I will try not to.

I am not a good person. I may be an annoying friend, a little self-centered and narcissistic jerk, but when being a friend to somebody, I will do my best to be honest, sincere and try to be myself among them. But it is just so heartbreaking that I am being penalized for something that I don't even have a fucking clue, why. Or perhaps being penalized of being a jerk-ass and yet not even once being told that I am a fucking asshole.

Yes, friend comes and goes, but I don't have time to put up a fight or having to explain myself of something that I don't even know. Like fuck it. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. I will just let the fire goes out. Let the sparkles die.

Life is tough, so I get it.

So move on. I wish that I can pack myself out of nowhere and bring nothing else but myself. Start a life elsewhere and be a fucking nobody. Make no contact, no intimate conversation and be a lonewolf.

Haha. I wish.

I do have a few who I love. And I will always do.

Cheer up.