Saturday, October 27, 2012

pretty much of everything

did i ever tell how i am longing the moment of this. this when i am typing down the words in this still silence of  the night. i miss the times when i was able to sleep late in the night without having the slightest worry of waking up early in the morning. i miss the lonely single nights i spent doing absolutely nothing productive by watching my favourite series and having to click on some random articles. i miss my old life. i miss every single of the lonesome night i had back in penang.

having the experience of your heart being toyed with curiosity of the vague lines between man and woman, i must say it opened up every unknown senses that i never knew exist in me. i am not traumatized somehow. i still want to settle down, one day. it just that i have learned a lot from the weeping experience.

the greatest gift i have in the present, is friendships and girlfriends. words cannot describe how grateful i am to be blessed with these kind people. i seriously would marry one of my girlfriends if they have the -y chromosome and the rising knight. frustratingly, nope.

family matters still suck. we plan to move out from my first ever hometown, seremban, and move to the most northern part of malaysia. i have no backup plan nor any plan on how we gonna survive, but i know that we just have to do it and God will ease out our journey. i had put on weights and still havent come out with diet/exercise routine and this weight issues, always draw the attentions from my ever-so-shallow aunties. relatives are major annoyance, i tell you.

still bitter to the restless girls at my age who are so badly wanting to get married. i just do not understand how a marriage can actually take away your present sorrow and guarantee the brighter day than you have now. hold onto this please 'when the time has come, it will come'. everything has written up there and live according to the God's plan.

of love affairs, i have none at this present. few came along, i can be picky most of the time, yet still clueless how i could fall for the last guy who made my life so so so in mess. so messed up, i cried up all night long whenever i talked of this to the loyal girlfriends ever i've made. and these people are the one who are never ever gave up on me. i have this thought, what do i really want in this man. is it love? is it his attention? is it sex? i cant tell you. what if he treats me good or find his way back to me again? do i still gonna have him in my life? am i really that strong to mend him? do i really want him to like him? do i want to live with him? this guy, i tell you is so so vulnerable inside. his ruined soul can creeps to your bone and rip your brain out of the head. real story!

work is sucks! but i have to have the money. i have to feed the devilish lust of shopping in me and i have to help out the family. i dont own a car and god knows how badly i want it. lucky to those whose parents can buy the car as if it is bicycle. me on the other hand have to work on it. i bought a house at johor. a small double-storey terrace that would fit the four of us. and i am still working at the same company.

so yeah! for the sake of typing this out. i miss writing. i miss the tension of getting the right word to describe best my notion. i twitter a lot instead. now hating facebook with all my heart and butt. ok then. selamat hari raya aidil adha then. :)

a remark of once a fool

how long since i last posting on this blog. how long i have been away from this dying page. and god knows, how badly i want to keep on writing and blogging, and only god knows how incapable i was to do so at this present moment.

it is end of October, changing of season and blimey, it almost the end of 2012. yet, i am still, still, sickly pathetically thinking of him. god knows, how good i am at digging information and god knows how broken i am at knowing the truth and only god knows the reason why on earth i am still thinking of him. can you believe it? after few men came along i found myself still having the thought of him. this is insane! as one of the sensible i cant believe that i fall for someone like him.

crazy as it sound, i am still counting moments when i am finally free from his voodoo.

this is the post i had written yesterday. i was not at the right mind, overly think of this petty matters. but i decided to publish this post. best to be a remark of i was once a fool and still a fool sometimes in the present.