Sunday, February 26, 2012

10

howdy!!!

1. typing this down at home, am blessed to be here with family. even grandmom is here with us.
2. found a new obsession in making my own work attire, tops and dresses. not literally sewing it on my own as i don't even know how to handle that machine. it's mom's work hard and my idea that make the it a success.
3. and now i am contemplating to sell it online. seriously, i have been raining by praises, asking me, wondering where i bought my tops. some sincerely suggest me to have my own label. hehe, a dream it is. lots more to do before i am able to make it real.
4. bought a whole bedroom set, that includes the bed, mattress, wardrobes and dressing table. with my own effort.
5. had just deactivated my fb account. i have no pleasure in it, off and away from it.
6. sadly, i had cancelled the plan to rock the cranberries concert. lots to pay. saving is the priority.
7. sometimes, i still think of him.
8. i remind myself everyday that i am super awesome girl in the universe.
9. starting to include prayer for future headless husband in daily solah. mom told, having a blessed marriage is not something you can get by luck, thus, start to dua' at this very moment.
10.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

the hard heart game #self talk 4

the hardest part with the heart game is to stick with the mind's decision. mind and heart are two different organs, never in the same argument, always at the contrast path, declaring war to each other. numbers of time,  i had betrayed my own decisions, my newly resolved determinations just to follow that alluring call by the heart only to find it broken, shattered by ignorance. hope remains hope. dreams stay in sleep. words decay by time. alas, what's the point of lamenting this unsuccessful relationship with someone i aware of his meanness.

reflecting, i knew him by an accident and it was at the darkest of my day. naaaah, not really. i was perfectly happy and busy of being the greatest single woman on earth, and there he was, accidentally came ruining my prodigy, smearing my title.

i can't help but to feel embarrassed, to be opened up and so transparent with my own feeling. to pour things down, letting people know i had made mistakes, had once be a fool, these are not somethings i proud of. on the brighter spot, it is quite a relief that i prove myself straight, not some cold-hearted lesbian and most importantly i know i am perfectly normal.  the fact that i love guys has enlightened my soul!! :)

anyhow, i will be fine. though there will be a moment or two i will be thinking of him when i see a slender tall body, or when i smell the perfume of him, or when i hear that same sincere manly laugh or the funny lines we had, or when i am dying with absolute nothingness. not to worry, i will be nothing but awesome as i am going through this shitty phase of curing.

that's it i guess. i hope, crossing fingers, vowing in my head, that this shall be the final post of me ranting on a man like a loon.

oh well.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

awan nano nano #self talk 3

lelaki baik itu seperti awan.

a phrase i took from an Islamic article. yet it is interesting, metaphorically true. here in kl, i am longing for serenity, a day when i am still the stern munirah. the day, i wont give a shit of almost anything, the day to be me.

the person in me, is not me. still bitter but utterly weakened by love. love. love, the most talked topic in the universe. i can't believe i had fallen in love to a person that i am clearly aware of his meanness from the very first start. that man, i can list down thousands of his weakness but still pathetically missing him at this very moment. alas, i should let go of this. of this unresolved relationship between me and a man who has little faith in Islam. my strong view and my stern principled were dwindled when i met him, making me floating with imagination and temptation. love is blind, i was blinded.

but i learned the greatest lesson that opens up my mind, my heart to God's greatest power. between me and him, anything beastly tragic moment could happen, but there is a magical force that shuts down every window of evilness. the harder i try reaching him, the harder it takes just to hold the relationship longer. i schemed, plotted over my actions but it ended up just another misery. so here i am ranting and lamenting over this un-blossomed love. i have to admit, i had fallen in love, a free fall but unluckily i landed on the hard surface. but i am lucky to be blessed by critical mind that i deserve a better one, one who can lead me to a better way of living, one who puts his greatest pride in living Islamic way, one who will makes me closer to the creator.

sigh. i know i am strong, this experience is a piece of shit. unimportant to body but is significant to proceed the living.

oh well. oh, i do love hafiz awan nano!!

here's the link tho
http://www.iluvislam.com/tazkirah/remaja-a-cinta/4165-apabila-awan-baik-bercinta-.html