Tuesday, June 6, 2017

In the Blood


Last night, while we were on our way home, I had a moment of flashback on how horrible my childhood was. The thought flickered because I spent time watching quite a number of TV series that revolve around the world of sobers and junkies. I watched Mom, a comedy series of a sober and I has just started to watch Good Behavior cause I love Michelle Dockery and it is almost about the same issue. And it reminded me of my dad's dark ages. 

My husband is a very quiet man with very few words and so he seldom shares his opinion or thought. He shared stories with few, and I asked him did he share about my past to his best friend and he did. He did it because he was defending my nature of arguing to his best friend and winning it because obviously i had the worst nightmare compared to the three of them. Using pity card is not a noble act, but it is enough to make people shut off their whining ass. 

At this moment, I am no longer mad of people who offended my family, mom especially. I excuse my sister's selfishness because she was the one who stays with mom witnessing how derailed my father was while me and brother spending our teenage years in boarding school. I excuse my brother's reckless act because he doesn't have much good example in life. I excuse my dad's irresponsible sluggish self because it is in his blood. My husband excuses my constant argument because he knew I struggle for my voice to be heard. I just have to go on with life. 

 The past shape us differently and it is such a bless in disguise that it has made me stronger. 

So this morning, while working, I put John Mayer in my playlist and found a song that is perfect for my current soundtrack. I couldn't help but to share it, and cried a little bit while sing-along. he he


In the Blood

How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Post-marriage

Well, well, we're about to have our  1-year anniversary of marriage. How time flies, I couldn't believe that my last post was made before the wedding.

Here's the updates.

Marriage.
Like I said earlier, it is tough. A real struggle to adjust our daily singleton habit into someone else's life and family. It is not majorly sweet and romance, we both have fair share of embarrassment and argument, but it is all good. Marriage is a workout, and giving up is not an option.

Fatness
Speaking of workout, my waistline is actually bigger than your mama. I am growing fat and husband is eating non-stop. I guess he just discovers the joy of having his own space  and so he eats almost everything that we have in the fridge. I find that cooking is my best place to pour my angst and having someone to eat all the food that I cook, satisfies me a lot. And so that explains the additional inches of my waistline.

Kids
I am not pregnant yet and after the wedding my hormone went haywire that caused the period irregularity and turned me into the unstoppable eating machine. It is not a wild guess that the fertility is closely associated with healthy weight which explains no baby. So, I don't have an option but to lose some weight if I want a baby. Do I really want one? Well, I have magic touch with babies, they actually listen to me. It's almost natural that most of the babies found that I am their most like-able aunty (so vain, but so true). So, do I want one? Yes, I want to have a baby because it is the greatest distraction tool when I am angry to the husband. Ha Ha Ha.

Work
We both commute from Shah Alam to KL every fucking day, which takes about 2 hours of travel period, every fucking day. It is tiring but what can we do about it, buying a whole new house in KL would cost half a million at least. Thus, just bare with it lah. Luckily husband able to get a new job which is nearer to my current work place and the parking rate is cheaper at my place. So win-win laa kan.

Family
Well, my dad hasn't changed much. He is still a reckless man that I have ever known. Am I still angry with him? No. I just wish that he would sort out his life accordingly. Financially, I cannot give much, but I am training myself not to be stinky with my own family. I must say that within these 5-6 years, I have learnt a lot about giving and how the act of giving can ignite happiness, so let just hope that the virtue remains and I'll be happier.

Financial
Well, credit card is such a nasty facility, but it is quite manageable lah. I'm in the midst of trying to clear my education loan, and at the same time saving for lasik. Speaking of my eyes, it is really bad, almost nearly blind but I kinda think that doing lasik is beneficial for the long run because the cost of eyes maintenance is not cheap either.

God knows how much I love writing but I haven't reading a lot now and my language skills is terribly rusty. In the meantime, I have short financial  classes to attend, some petty task at work and Kim K games to attend to, so I am pretty busy actually.


Tuesday, July 21, 2015

My kind of berhuhuhu

10 days more till my wedding.

Huhuhuhuhuuhu. OMFG, I am getting married. Friends been told me, I am probably one of the most laid-back bride to be. Wedding is stressful, but I am tired of getting frustrated with sudden change of plan, petty arguments, money matters, family issue and many others irrelevant unthinkable issues that happen only to a bride. Hence, I can only play cool and berhuhuhuhuhu and pray it will turn out just fine.

Mental wise - Checked.

Yes, I do not overly excited about getting married, the fact that my life will be chained to some man's life, is not as exciting as I imagine it would be. But then, with all the unfavorable experience I had faced in life, I am pretty optimistic that marriage is just another phase and it is not all doom and gloomy and sad and black. Sure, it's gonna be tough, financially challenging to us, both. but that is what life is meant to be and we all know it won't be exciting if it is all flat and dull, Soooooo, will all the optimism and determination, I am quite certain that I am pretty much ready to sail through the sea of marriage.

Of kids. Hurm. It's a tough call. Between wanting to have it as soon as we got married, or wait until we are all ready. Readiness? Well, I do love seeing chubby kids but not sure how I feel about having one on my own. Can't even imagine it, will it inherit my big eyes or the slanting eyes from Adam. Taking care of babies, of course, I can deal with babies, I was a babysitter years ago. But me getting pregnant? be a mom? I can just berhuhuhuhuhuhu with the idea. Peculiar.

Of Bali. This is my favourite part because finally a vacation for a depressed mind is just around the corner. It seems that this soon-to-be-true plan, is lurking me to google the place whenever I found nothing else to do and oh I am deeply excited for it. Being frugal for a year is such a pain in mind and so this Bali trip a.k.a a honeymoon trip will be the best dessert for our event. Such a beautiful end to a stressful event, such a sweet ending to a year of travel-fasting. I am all excited to berhuhuhuhuhu.

10 days more and I have not distributed all the cards yet, still doesnt have an off-white shawl for my akad nikah, still haven't bought the beads and blings for the wedding dress. So much to do and so little effort I have made.

Whatever lah kan. Asal kahwin sudah. Huhuhuhuhuhuhu