Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Deleting stupid

I dont mean to be whine, but I don't want to forget this anger that I had this morning.

Politic in the office is as bad as the states politic. Rotten, manipulative and full of greed.

What I usually tell my friends, my current workplace is very much known as ' the Malay privileged nest' where some of the staffs received their education scholar and later on received their very first salary from this very own company, climbed the ladder to the top and finally become the management key of the company. These are the people who don't even have a clue about the tension of competing among the multiple races in Malaysia or being treated and paid unfairly because they always have the good side with them. Promising career, free overseas education, career escalator instead of ladder. So these kind of people, doesn't really able to grasp the work ethics from the outside because they are living in this comfort bubble.

So the company that I work with is probably one of the best in Malaysia, good remuneration,  manageable workload albeit the culture is somewhat awful. We just had new Chairman and CEO who are very much forward thinker, it's a blessed, really but then, I am just the unlucky few who happened to work with a boss, whose his mind is so obnoxious and I just can't help but to dislike his mind. Have you ever met someone who you can't even have a healthy argument and cannot except anything else but blind obedience? Well, this man he ticks all the red box.

I believed that human has evolved from time to time and in this millennial world, we almost have the freedom of speech except that not everyone embracing the change. Having to penalize by being bold and open with my very own opinion without even being rude is just unacceptable. I don't know why do we need to spend hours in the meeting room, listening to the endless crap about your so-called strategic planning and at the end of the day you don't even want to know the ugly truth about our condition. Some people maybe the master of blind obedience,but I don't want to be deluded by the subtle dictatorship that he tried to plant in our head, trying to control every membrane of thinking cells in our brain.

Of course, there will be consequences of my bold move. I probably will be ignored or rated poorly, even now he has shown that he prefers the man with testosterone rather than woman who is fulled with estrogen. Nonetheless, I pray that my strong willed and mind will be recognized elsewhere, perhaps with other departments. For sure, not one single person on earth wanting to stay slaves for their whole lives, but then, like slaves it is all depending to the kindness of your masters.

Well the only master in the world is Allah, and as human we have faith to believe that the truth will always prevail.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

In the Blood

Last night, while we were on our way home, I had a moment of flashback on how horrible my childhood was. The thought flickered because I spent time watching quite a number of TV series that revolve around the world of sobers and junkies. I watched Mom, a comedy series of a sober and I has just started to watch Good Behavior cause I love Michelle Dockery and it is almost about the same issue. And it reminded me of my dad's dark ages. 

My husband is a very quiet man with very few words and so he seldom shares his opinion or thought. He shared stories with few, and I asked him did he share about my past to his best friend and he did. He did it because he was defending my nature of arguing to his best friend and winning it because obviously i had the worst nightmare compared to the three of them. Using pity card is not a noble act, but it is enough to make people shut off their whining ass. 

At this moment, I am no longer mad of people who offended my family, mom especially. I excuse my sister's selfishness because she was the one who stays with mom witnessing how derailed my father was while me and brother spending our teenage years in boarding school. I excuse my brother's reckless act because he doesn't have much good example in life. I excuse my dad's irresponsible sluggish self because it is in his blood. My husband excuses my constant argument because he knew I struggle for my voice to be heard. I just have to go on with life. 

 The past shape us differently and it is such a bless in disguise that it has made me stronger. 

So this morning, while working, I put John Mayer in my playlist and found a song that is perfect for my current soundtrack. I couldn't help but to share it, and cried a little bit while sing-along. he he

In the Blood

How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

Thursday, July 28, 2016


Well, well, we're about to have our  1-year anniversary of marriage. How time flies, I couldn't believe that my last post was made before the wedding.

Here's the updates.

Like I said earlier, it is tough. A real struggle to adjust our daily singleton habit into someone else's life and family. It is not majorly sweet and romance, we both have fair share of embarrassment and argument, but it is all good. Marriage is a workout, and giving up is not an option.

Speaking of workout, my waistline is actually bigger than your mama. I am growing fat and husband is eating non-stop. I guess he just discovers the joy of having his own space  and so he eats almost everything that we have in the fridge. I find that cooking is my best place to pour my angst and having someone to eat all the food that I cook, satisfies me a lot. And so that explains the additional inches of my waistline.

I am not pregnant yet and after the wedding my hormone went haywire that caused the period irregularity and turned me into the unstoppable eating machine. It is not a wild guess that the fertility is closely associated with healthy weight which explains no baby. So, I don't have an option but to lose some weight if I want a baby. Do I really want one? Well, I have magic touch with babies, they actually listen to me. It's almost natural that most of the babies found that I am their most like-able aunty (so vain, but so true). So, do I want one? Yes, I want to have a baby because it is the greatest distraction tool when I am angry to the husband. Ha Ha Ha.

We both commute from Shah Alam to KL every fucking day, which takes about 2 hours of travel period, every fucking day. It is tiring but what can we do about it, buying a whole new house in KL would cost half a million at least. Thus, just bare with it lah. Luckily husband able to get a new job which is nearer to my current work place and the parking rate is cheaper at my place. So win-win laa kan.

Well, my dad hasn't changed much. He is still a reckless man that I have ever known. Am I still angry with him? No. I just wish that he would sort out his life accordingly. Financially, I cannot give much, but I am training myself not to be stinky with my own family. I must say that within these 5-6 years, I have learnt a lot about giving and how the act of giving can ignite happiness, so let just hope that the virtue remains and I'll be happier.

Well, credit card is such a nasty facility, but it is quite manageable lah. I'm in the midst of trying to clear my education loan, and at the same time saving for lasik. Speaking of my eyes, it is really bad, almost nearly blind but I kinda think that doing lasik is beneficial for the long run because the cost of eyes maintenance is not cheap either.

God knows how much I love writing but I haven't reading a lot now and my language skills is terribly rusty. In the meantime, I have short financial  classes to attend, some petty task at work and Kim K games to attend to, so I am pretty busy actually.