Friday, November 23, 2012

monthly breakdown

mentally exhausted is best described what i am feeling right now. i am all weary when it comes to living. never once i felt as tired as this time that i don't think i want to be that strong anymore. all i want right now is to be living with the love of my life, having no worries when it comes to financial, happy, and happy, except that i don't really have a special one.

we all had moved out from seremban and now living in johor. the most northern part of malaysia. we brought particularly nothing only the little things that we have collected during the 6 years of living separately with dad. well expected, none of dad's family members made the last visit, bid us final goodbye. my dad, he was not even around seremban the day we were all busy loading up stuff to truck. sad, innit. but yes, life needs to go on.

right now, we are staying in a small cheap house before our new house completes which will be on march next year. there are so much to do, so many to gain, so many to buy before we actually move in. that will be our very first house. i am literally cracking my head by thinking how are we gonna get the whole load of money for namely electricity, grilled door and windows, etc.

mom used to open up a nursery for kids back in seremban. knowing she's getting old day by day, we all whole-heartedly decided to jump into food business since mom and my aunt, they both love cooking. the problem is, we have to start all over. from the very start, from a scratch. so for these few months, probably for the ongoing months, i am in charge of the financial matter. and as 23rd pampered girl, i am not sure how to confront this, but i just have to do it.

reality is such a bitch and it leaves me not even a glorified moment to remember. sometimes, like this time, my head would lure me to chase some rich bastard and get married and soon the financial crisis will be over. my salary would go to mom's account and i'll be spending the rest of my day spending the husband's money. that would be so so good eh. but misery doesn't end that way. i know giving up is certainly not the answer. marrying some rich guy doesn't guarantee an eternal joyous. so i just have to face this.

there are times, i would love to have somebody by my side. who would console my weary heart, telling me everything's gonna be fine. someone who would give me a comforting hug when all else failed. having to think of it, i don't think i can afford of staying in love, or being in love or to be loved. just not now. not when our family is at mess. not when everything is at worst.

the whole reason of this whiny passage is that i am suffering with pms. pathetically i am crying the whole moment while i am writing this down. yes, i am that weepy but weeping is comforting.