Friday, October 29, 2010


COST, MONEY, that bloody money. so many to do, so little money i have. being frugal as always, i am totally a jerk when it comes to food. i used to restrain myself for not eating luxuriously and preferred to spend it on clothes, bags, shoes, make up, and all the womanly gadgets. still i love those. but no money no talk-lah.

frankly speaking, i was a shopaholic. and a compulsive shopper one. yes, i was. every time i laid eyes on shoes, clothes, clothes, shoes, rings, i cannot think straight. brain stopped to function and the blood rushed to the heart, to the hands that insisted to hold on it and so i paid for some clothes i needed not. as soon i realized that i was a poor folly and was duped by my own desire, of course i felt remorse to myself for having no control of my pocket.

there is nothing wrong if you have lotsa money and a shopaholic.

but it is a serious offense if you have little money and a so-called shopaholic and you proud of telling people that you are, a shopaholic. boo-hooo!!!

i believe that hell LOTS of women claim that they are shopaholics, life devoted to fashion and beauty so they shop, shop and shop. and i do believe that very few of them know that shopaholic is actually an addiction, and it is as worse as alcoholic, workaholic, drugaholic and other -olic.

if you have money and helluva lot of it, you have the access to shop everywhere, anywhere, anytime. not bother to pester you but to feel a flick of jealousy, maybe.

but still, ladies, do you like, don't you, to be known as a sick-o and an addict?

have some mercy to read more than the shopping directory and shopping wish list.

p/s: women are just women.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

my good friend

oh my good, cute, charming, lovable, funny, thoughtful (and everything in between) girlfriend.

you are a good friend of mine, indeed you have been real nice to me although we barely spend time together but i know that you are a good one, a friend through thick and thin. as for making this relationship as warm as always we always contact with each other virtually because distance is the major obstacle that we faced but it is the price we have to pay for staying far away.

ok now my cuddling cutey dear friend, i would love to hear your motivational thought. seriously i'd love that.

and you know why?
because it is a happy-mood-booster for my day when i read yours.

instead of un-privatize the comment box why don't you hit my gmail inbox. or perhaps i could place a shoutbox at my blog, so u can drop your thoughts there. is it cool? are we cool?

dear ain, i have informed you these two suggestions through facebook but this post is merely a more-than-fun thing to blog about. hehe. don't get mad. it just that i am not ready to open up, to accept comments and criticism.  besides, i want to accentuate the element of surprise to the new readers. wanka!

ho ho ho ho ho
oh, i know it's lame!

whose gonna read this blog, anyway. ho ho ho. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

you, me, you, are Yahoos.

it is not easy to be pure kind. i am well informed since i was in the cradle, to forget and forgive is another way of being merciful to others who did malign act. easy said than done, it is a hard thing to do.

to forget and to forgive are inseparable, almost impossible to do.

i have no trouble of forgiving people, although to the meanest person in my life, i'll always forgive him. to insist me to forget as if nothing has happened between me and you, you and mom, him and you, me and her, is redonkulous. not if you were gifted by numerous capacity of remembering petty issues.

do not expect me to be all nice and kind and if you think i did, it is only an act of pretentious. it is better to be choked of being phony rather than being brute and rude to others. sometimes i wish i could be more forgetful.

and to have a temporary amnesia would be beneficial to knot this vile thought down down in heart and straight goes to the colon, from go killing and destroying.

suck it all, girl, ( to me). accept the fact that your heart is contaminated by the vices of this entire universe and you my dear, are indeed a Yahoo by nature.

wait, aren't we all are Yahoos?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

when the psycho bitch bites

i supposedly searched any kind of reading material about the coming test, which is on Gulliver's Travel, but as i believed that it also happened to everyone, i end up found something else.

i took a personality disorder test under the sub-heading of psychology test in which it can tell you what kind of psychotic you are. as for the result,  i scored almost at all section, moderate. so i am not paranoid, not an anti social, i dont have a schizotypal disorders, so i am almost beyond normal until i figure out that i scored very high at histrionic, and high at narcissistic and obsessive-compulsive sect.

now, it is very interesting to know what is histrionic. i stumbled upon this because i didn't know what it meant. thought that histrionic might derive from word 'history' and i was so wrong.
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
dang! i was shocked by this brief explanation about what is histrionics and i laughed as soon as i read this. not trying to be an actual histrionic, the practice of analysing text and characters enable me to scrutinize the finding. i may be and may not be a constant attention seeker. although i love to be something out of the norm, my dress and hijab are sometimes eccentric but i am not the one who everyone remembers the most. i confess that i often interrupting others and knowing this is not good at all, i try to interrupt lesser. the un-highlighted traits, i made no fuss of it. there is nothing to rebuke about because i am not as described.

the next line that i have redden , is a 50-50 situation, in one hand it is true and the other hand, it is arguable. tend to exaggerate friendships perhaps, yes. an instance of this, i love to emphasize one special trait if i found her pleased to be with and so i'll tell the people surround about it. however i don't believe that everyone loves me, makes me wanna laugh of this. i made fiends more than i suppose too. so, i proved the test is not accurate.

and fyi, i am by nature manipulative. it is an innate ability or talent i should call. muahahahahha.

manipulative - skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage
the next high scored in the finding, is narcissistic. ok, i don't feel the wrong of being one, not if you are fighting alone against the world but become overly obsessed with yourself might resulting tragedies in your life. in my case i certainly have reasons to be one, because there are so much flaws that i have and being a narcissist help me to boost the confident level.

it is fucking annoying to be me sometimes, because i understand myself more than i suppose too.

jumble mumble

i am typing on this very blog with my unwashed hand. skanky, i know! muahahaha. had my lunch that i purposely take-away but this time i didnt bring my foldable tupperware. while doing so (eating), i read others' blog and some top notch bloggers that i currently addicted to. it's like having a ritual reading that i just have the urgency to click on their pages every few hours just to know what they had written about. okay, some of my favourites top notch bloggers are Obefiend (i cant get enough of him), the malay male amirhafizi and few others, unmentioned.

as an english lit students, it is undeniable that most of influential writers are male. me, being female it is hard to accept the fact that male writers are way better in expressing their thoughts and doctrine. a lot of women love to read and most of them can write well, but few of them can be as powerful as men writer. few examples, Orwell who came out with powerful fictions of politics parody, like Animal Farm and 1984, the famous Shakespeare, the bold Karim Raslan, and many others. in fact, most of my reading material that i covered are male writers. it is few, i guess the numbers of men that indulge in reading and writing poetry, but the few numbers who can write are certainly gifted and geniuzzz.

i dont know why i can come out with this thought. maybe it is due to the current obsession of reading obe (and others) too much. but mind you, the knowledge that come are not by nature, pure. it has to be filtered by your conscience of weighing what is RIGHT and WRONG. religion has to be the guideline and not to be seen as a tool of oppression.

english is still important but to forget our nature mother tongue is a big NO. kudos to those who appreciate the bahasa and at the same time write beautifully with it. i would love to be poetic in bahasa but i guess the talent is not there.  

enough with the ramblings. i better off wash my hand. grandma used to warn that whoever let their unwashed hand dried after eating, she will be married late. Ha! bad habits die hard, i have been doing this for millionth times. does this imply that i won't get married?

oh, well!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

joy and glee spirit

i am in the Glee fever. waiting for the next episode which will be aired this coming Wednesday, wohoo! can't wait for it. so it is actually a glee-week for me, because i steal a lot of lines from the series to be made as my status, such as

i don't know why you say goodbye i say hello, hello hello!
time be my friend and let me start again, 


suy un perdedor, i'm a loser baby, so why dont you kill me!

ha! it hits me sometimes. but to make this line as my status, i suppress the thought.
i know its lame, stealing lines and make it as yours. well people dont ask, i guess it is legal in a way.

for a week, i woke up having glee covered up songs hummed in my brain, it went on the whole day, the moment i spent times thinking in the ritual toilet visits, when i made my usual walk to the bus stops until the time when the lazy bum needs to get rest at night, i heard them singing in their usual lively spirit blessing my day. the song made me smiling and i feel content when the whole world seems to smile back to me :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

i wanna i wanna

i want to be in love and get married and have babies and have houses with posh cars and a huge wardrobe of designer suits and numbers of designer posh shoes and bags and to be happy and content with my life.

thank you.

you think this story gonna have a happy ending? happy ending is a story for that haven't finished yet.

it is the same usual feeling

this week i called my mom a lot. every day i tried to spend few minutes of talking about her day, what she had cooked for that day, my siblings, my grandma, all sorts of things merge into a rather short conversation, not more than 10 minutes. it is the same feeling of yesterday, i am missing her already.

November and December are not the happy jolly months for my family. it is because mom's nursery which most of the customers are teachers will not be sending their kids to our nursery and that means no ringgit flows in. it is an annual appalling condition that i aware and concern of but the need of asking her for money in order to survive within these final days makes me feel guilty and remorse to myself. it will be the same feeling until once I've started working.

the only person that i rely the most is my mom. what other options do i have when the money runs out. she is the only person that i hold onto. i don't know what would happen if she's gone earlier than she supposed to. going bonkers? living loveless is a sure thing. i really hope that everything that i am currently working on will be her greatest present in future and that is a promise. my affection to you will remain the same usual feeling i have for you now, and forever.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

i forget to be cool

i had a strange dream, and so i wake up with a strange feeling. and i did strange things today. been changing clothes over and over before i decided to put on baju kurung, and i chose to suit it with my pair of electric blue pumps which is the most uncomfortable shoes i have. bad choice when i have to use the bus to get back to hostel. so i received many eyes looking at me in incomprehensible manner. do i look like a clown or is it me who feel that way?

i stopped at the cafe to buy myself a brunch. so i waited at the Solihin cafe, patiently waiting for my turn in  a good manner, not rushing to place my order. felt like it was my first time that i didnt mind hungry girls cutting off my queue. its a strange kindness i had today. i brought along my fold-able tupperware as my first trial of trying to be green, and put it in my bag so that i wont be charged 30cent for the container. not that im being stingy but i support the green living, besides i am a committee for Kelab Alam Sekitar.

right when my turn has come, i had the urgency of checking my bag. so i did, and realized that i did not bring my purse, money, or coins, or any form of exchanging currency. jack-ass isn't it, and at that moment my mp3 played one of Eliza Doolittle's song, she sang straight to my eardrum 'i forget, i forget to be cool, cool cool',

yes, i forgot to bring my purse, instead i had a fold-able tupperware. isn't that cool? 

p/s: imagining myself eating in front of the lappy and be laughing while watching the Glee series that i intend to repeat.

Monday, October 18, 2010

pretty reckless, indeed!

i really hate myself to know that i am pretty reckless by nature. what i mean by nature, it is more than once it happened (the unfortunate series of my life) and no matter how hard i am trying to be vigilant its all end up as misery someday. heck. i am now in pain due to ankle injury and in pain of thinking on how to complete the shit-ASSignments. i loathe myself for keep delaying and time flies very fast, i know.fuck!

talking about me being very reckless, i slipped while i was descending the stairs and accidentally my right feet was not in the right position to support my body fat, and boom i fell. what i hate the most, this unfortunate series comes in season, which also means when the time has come i might fall/slip two-three times a week. shit as hell.

and now, yeah i am wasting my time, writing this whiny junk in my blog with hope that it could take away my pain. huhu, seriously i am in ache. i need not medicine but i need the attention. LOL, i guess, that is why im writing this down. lame-ass!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

of a silly little thing called love

my bestfriend, has fallen in love again :), but with a three-year-boy younger than her. i was shocked after receiving this, knowing that she is a play-hard type of girl, i know it is not easy for her to say that she had found someone. but the truth is i am happy for it, it is a good starting for her to move on and not to dwell in the past.

you see, a lot of my good friends, most of them were my schoolmates, we are sharing the same pattern of perceiving love. take my bestfriend A for instance, she has been looking a guy that has similar traits like her ex boyfriend, although she is indeed a beauty she could get anyone if she wants to. so, there is a sense of loyalty in her that made us pretty much the same when it comes to Love.

another instance is my best friend B. her first love was when she was adolescent, perhaps in her thirteen. people usually label it as a puppy love and surprisingly it is more than that. she is now still madly in love with the same person that she used to cry over and tell you, it is not an easy road that she had chosen. after many years they had not been seeing each other, the similar feeling remains untouched. the power of love? think about it.

my best friend C who is known for her firm and obstinate character surprised me when she told me about her heart break story. did not only it broke her heart but it made her way thinner. (sometimes i wish it would happen to me too, so i can get rid of these lazy bum ;p). we were very much distant by the distance, although i dont have any experience of being heartbroken, i know that was the most serious affliction that could ever happen to a woman. but now, she is living happily in her own skin after months/years to get over him and i am hoping for her new relationship to be long lasted.

my best friend D, has never fall in love and never decided to settle in a foul relationship like i did once. and she's like all of my friends, is charming, pretty, cute, smart and kind. so it is puzzling to know a person like her is still single. (i am belong into that group too, hehe) and she keeps telling me, she has not yet found 'The Man', and we will be giggling all night while talking of these future project of getting 'The Man'. i dont see any reason of calling people like us as choosy, because it is way better to be singleton rather than stranded in a foul relationship. trust me, i had tried it.

therefore, conclusion that i can draw is that me and my smexy girlfriends, we don't belong into a group of women who think that love is a science project, that you have to try and test it for making it a success. to me, love is a pure feeling that will come to everyone of us, it is a matter of time that makes us all different.


dont stop believing :)

Monday, October 11, 2010

blogging is tempting

oh well! i cannot help myself from not to write of anything. i have too. although i made several attempts to write normally as if i am in the stone age, by using a pen and a notebook, but it didnt work out. too bad. i have to reinvent a new blog for keeping me alive.

welcome aboard, to me!

hopefully this blog may have a safe voyage of sailing in the ocean of turmoil of mine. i curse a lot, so as my blog. but i want to keep this blog for a long time and consistently writing on it so i shall be happy when i read what i have written.