antidote, perhaps?

my work life has made my mind blunt. unproductively, my daily task only requires me to go through the kyc of companies and scrutiny the transaction that occurs in that respective account. honestly, it is plain mundane. the only good part of my working life is the people around me.

now, talking about saving eh. 

i save zero. the account bank is like the tap water, without the awareness to actually close the faucet, without the frugality to save a penny, don't even try to dig on how much dough i keep in my not-yet-exist-saving-account. 

to defend myself, i do have valid reason of why after more than 6 months, i am still completely and arse when it comes to being frugal. 

1st. i need to feed my temptation, by buying anything that i want, though it is not what i need, i have to get it on my own because if i don't get the things i want, i will never ever dream of getting it as i don't have a father who can swipe the things that i want, and to put the burden onto a mother who has already sacrificed way too much to the family is the least thing i would do. valid enough eh for one who doesn't always get what she wants.

2nd. expenses to the family. being the eldest, being the daughter of a useless father, being the sister of the siblings where it is only her that they can turn to, being the company of a single mother who relies to her first daughter, i am left with little choice. 

true story. 

there are sometimes, when numbers of bad memories sting this mental box, making me depress with the never ending problems, the insecurity of the future life. i wish there is somebody who can take the pain away, hold my hands to comfort me with hopes that things are going to be better. back to my little room, realizing i have nobody to rely on. no one to sooth my weariness. no one to share the burden, god knows how empty one can feel. 

yes, i know the antidote of the sadness. that is to be positive, to remain strong, to be faithful to Allah and its power. but i can't help but to feel lost and empty, once in a while, of course. like at this moment. when i woke up this morning, i had this strange heavy feeling in my heart, that i was not being my usual self who would contemplate for 10 mins in front of the mirror, wondering what would look best in me. not even bother to keep my daily routine, simply left my face naked and bare its gloominess. the thought that it's gonna be temporary demised as i am still pathetically in this mood and typing this down with hope that the heart can spare a little space for jollier times tomorrow.

anyway, anyhow, as today is soo sooooo confusing that i am still unable to find the reason behind this sullen face. yet, i pray for better tomorrow. 

p.s: the office was in flood today, funnily and strangely the piping system got leaked even though the building has not yet reached 5 months. 

p.p.s: i might be joining samba class along with the super jolly colleagues. 

p.p.p.s: and i am doing pilates tho i am not really good with it. still new but planning to do that religiously, :)

oh well. wish me the best, pray me stronger.