just another rambling post

i'll be having a first Aidil Adha away from family. away from calorie, fatty but delicious rendang because i can only afford few decent meals cooked by the illegal multi-cooker and rice cooker that we secretly sneaked inside our hostel. its a kind of.... my first hari raya in over sea, (penang = over the sea). Hah!

how do i feel?

apparently, i feel no sorrow. although mind and heart reminisce the good days and food that i'll be having at home, but my soul reluctants to get back to Seremban, knowing that things don't change much, realizing that i'll be confronting the same issue. hence, i choose to be alone and bitter, fidgeting about my vague future, wondering if i able to bring luck to the family.

two weeks of freedom in Penang after the exam. 

alas, it is not entirely a freedom where i can roam freely at the road of Chowrasta like a tourist fond of the colonial building in Georgetown, or like the food hunter, preying the famous char kuay teow or Line Clear nasi kandar,  not even able to hopping cheerfully in the mall, ogling the latest shoes and bags, indulging my tummy with the sugary cakes or donuts, or wasting an entire day for a movie-marathon. 

literally, i will be staying in the room that offers the view of the male hostel, in which i made neighbour with the chinese that is originally come from China-land that i never talk to. i'll be eating whatever tasteless delicacies in cafe and reading whatever books i can find in the library and watching whatever movie i can download or get from friends.

it's gonna be my last liberty before i head back to my dull life. my life is not as dull as the grainy black and white film, with only gray, black, and white lines intertwined each other, mine is a mixture of red rage and green envy that conceal the  few dots of the blue calm and the pure white. too much of these, my eyes are  now blinded by the striking colours and my mind is weary by the drama of the struggling family. 

everyone has his own predicament. i am not trying to project myself as the only person who is troubled by problems, i understand that i should not make fuss of this. it is temporary, i should just be patient. but the running thoughts always lead me to travel back and forth, from the past to present, from present to past, from contented to restless. 

last conversation i had with mom, made me restless as if i have another PMS after my monthly menstruation cycle. talking to mom is heartening and stressful most of the time. looking into mom's eyes is another thing. her high pitched, and shrill tone cannot conceal the sad look from her eyes that contain mountainous of hopes on me. it's a burden. a loaded one, a package given to one who was born without fortune. it's a lucky thing that it was not a face-to-face conversation so i am feeling less guilty.

when i get back home in December, mom will chirp (more like nagging to me) endlessly, brother will make lame jokes of trying to clear out the forlorn air, and my little sister (physically bigger than i now) will pester everyone in the house, rummaging through my bags and stuff, an irritating trick of getting attention that she rarely has.  that is pretty much how we run the family.

oh, well!