crazy little thing #self-talk

long, i have been meaning and wanting to write any thing that doesn't touch my recent life as a whole. at this moment of time-never-get-enough, the longest and quickest topic to write is simply about my monthly ranting, which didnt give me the same pleasure of blogging like i was still in college. 

i have numbers of opinions to write but when i have the chance to pour it down, i prefer just to whine and keep most of the stories by myself. thankfully that friends are always boosting my happy-o-meter, absorbing my daily whine like a sponge, otherwise my life would be a great mess. 

as for love, yes, the topic i love the most :) i always, like seriously, always keep wondering why oh why it doesn't happen yet to me. i am attractive, insightful, principled, a little bit meaty but i know i am cuddly. this is not bragging, this is confidence! lol. anyway, be my girlfriends and you will know how frequent i'll touch on this obsession called love. gladly, most of them were telling me how lucky i am to be single and experience-less. lucky that i am not being hurt, being cheated, painfully missing and waiting for somebody. yes, i am indeed lucky and vacant and tremendously happy, with girlfriends all around, i could not ask for better life. 

few months ago, i was filled with anticipation of being special to this one ass-hole. he was cute, (yes, i effeminate him) and has a great factor that i really dig in, WISDOM. not that he has to be an absolute genius, but he should know how to tame me down, make me less paranoid about the whole relationship thingy. i like him but i know this relationship with this cute ass-hole won't bring me anywhere close to his heart. he went missing, leaving me clueless of not knowing why and how it happened this way. i was devastated and i had the worst birthday ever. i spent most of my time cussing him, fantasizing karma would bit him so badly and after a month of silence, he reached me back, confessing himself as a genuine ass-hole and then went missing again. he simply doesn't do me any justice, i was deeply confused.

the whole thing with heart and feelings are not my expertise. stone and leaves are better than i and so because of this inability to feel, i spilled this to the girls i trust. dont know where i got the guts, i started telling and sharing the stories and surprisingly there are numbers of girls/women feeling slightly confused and hurtful when facing this kind of situation. the moment when the men go missing, which is the moment that indicates that they are no longer into us anymore. ouch! yes, it happened to them too and no, i am not the only one. i was hooraying at knowing this.

back to the shithead,

after lots of serious thinking and being straightly honest, i know that i have to pull myself out of this vague friendship, knowing that i will be the only one who thinks of him as irresistible. he tempts me in so many ways that i am afraid of being out of control. i don't know how to play the game. i dont even know the rules of keeping a friendship with a guy that i found attractive. hence i prefer 'the let me be hurtful a little' rather than feeling a great agony towards the end. i play safe. i am afraid of the bad consequence. i am afraid of being thought as desperate. i am in fear of being cheated. i am afraid of being madly in love with somebody. and to me, falling in love makes any person in the world, at the weakest condition. fragile, feeble, dreamy. 

yet, i am in fear of being alone, of visualizing me facing the life in solitude with two or three cats. i dare not to think of such terrible matters.

sigh. 

my time will come. never lose the faith as he will come, along with bundle of happiness and love

now everyone makes the aaaaaaaa~ (imitating the sounds of audience in sitcoms)

at this moment, my mission-should-be is money and family comes second. this may sound a lil bit obnoxious, but it works great as a self-help, "i am in love with myself that only the right man can makes me notice of his existence", that is my mantra as for now. just so you people might wondering, i like him but not yet in love with him and i thank God of giving the heart of the steel. i am a real-steel, baby!

oh, well!